Polydexterity

whasslutmean2u?

2012-01-18T10:23:00.001-08:00

Being a writer/librarian, I thought it might be fun to find out how we define the word slut, both in our culture and to ourselves. To start us out, here is the oldest definition I could find in three minutes online (I’m a lazy slut, I admit):

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slut

c.1400, “a dirty, slovenly, or untidy woman,” probably cognate with dialectal Ger. Schlutt “slovenly woman,” dialectal Swed. slata “idle woman, slut,” and Du. slodder “slut,” but the ultimate origin is doubtful. Chaucer uses sluttish (late 14c.) in reference to the appearance of an untidy man. Also “a

kitchen maid, a drudge” (mid-15c.; hard pieces in a bread loaf from imperfect kneading were called ’ slut’s pennies , 18c.). Meaning “woman of loose character, bold hussy” is attested from mid-15c.; playful use of the word, without implication of loose morals, is attested from 1660s.

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I like that the original meanings of slut included both the concept of dirty-ness (mm.. getting dirty!) and that it was also used playfully. It’s interesting that only later did the idea of sexuality get added to the concept of dirty. That sort of says something about our culture, I think, and how activities that are neutral or even fun get twisted by the moral majority to become something shameful (sort of like how “gay” originally meant pretty and happy, then it was something to be ashamed of, and now it’s embraced as a vibrant sexual identity).

To me, “slut” brings to mind the image of a woman or man who isn’t afraid to “get their hands dirty” and dive into something enthusiastically and playfully even if other people are being fastidious and picky about it. Sexual enthusiasm, lusty disregard for the opinions of others, and a healthy sense of fun. Yep, I like that!

What about the you? How does “slut” work in your vocabulary?

Jealousy Deconstructed: a workshop from The Bliss Factory

2011-11-01T13:54:00.000-07:00

Here's a video clip from my workshop "Jealousy Deconstructed" (The Bliss Factory, 2011).

Enjoy more videos from The Bliss Factory on Youtube.

The Bliss Factory: New workshops for Fall 2011

2011-09-19T15:39:00.001-07:00

My new poly, open and sex positive relationship workshops are up for Fall 2011! Those in or near Victoria, BC, please visit my page and register now. Topics include Jealousy, Boundaries and Negotiations, Eroticizing Safer Sex and Threesomes for Couples!

The Bliss Factory

"Like" me on Facebook!

good poly/bad poly -- but how do we define poly?

2011-08-16T13:34:00.000-07:00

How do we define and describe polyamory to those who don't know about or understand what it is? Is there a simple way to explain the diverse practices and reasons behind why someone would choose to engage in ethical multi-partnered relationships as opposed to single-partnered ones? Actually, yes there is -- once we figure out what part of that definition is an explanation and what part is a value judgment.

Recently, I've been pondering the sometimes overt, sometimes insidious, division of opinion between the polyamorous folks who prefer to downplay sexuality and emphasize traditional family values and those who seek to explore and incorporate more alternative sexual practices as part of their poly philosophy. Neither of these positions is, I should emphasize, "wrong" or "bad" and despite the provocative title of this blog post, I feel that there is plenty of room in the poly spectrum for both viewpoints (and many in between).

However, when it comes to explaining what polyamory IS to those who have no idea what it might encompass, it becomes difficult to decide what part of the poly community to emphasize. My solution would be to emphasize neither, and to simply define "polyamory" as a basic practice which can be personally applied and negotiated in a wide variety of ways depending on the individuals involved.

For example, many of us are polyamorous *because of* (rather than in spite of) the fact that we enjoy alternative, sex positive activities (like BDSM, swinging, etc.) By "whitewashing" polyamory in the eyes of the public (the popular slogan: "it's not about the sex" comes to mind) we run the risk of alienating or forcing underground a large segment of the (perfectly ethical) poly population. I'd personally rather begin by introducing polyamory to the general public as the ethical practice of being in more than one loving, intimate relationship with consenting adults and leave it at that, and to resist attaching any kind of values or judgments to the basic term "polyamory", which can and does encompass a very diverse range of relationship styles. Values such as fidelity, sexual freedom, family-centered-ness, etc. are only applicable to the way *some* poly people choose to live.

It's complicated to do this, I agree, but oversimplifying the actual practice of polyamory is, I think, ultimately a detrimental tack to take in terms of educating the general public. Simplification should exist in terms of definition of terms themselves, which should be precise and succinct, rather than of "acceptable practices" because the danger in this, of course, is who gets to determine what is acceptable and what is not?

why I shaved my head

2011-08-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

Why not? Ok, well there are actually a few more reasons..

The first one is that I'm a curious person, and while curiosity may have killed the cat, it also resulted in some interesting experiences. I've always wondered what I'd look like bald -- now I know!

The second is that my partner (the one who wielded the clippers) has a thing for bald chicks. I like making people happy, especially ones I love. It was also amazing having my head lovingly wrapped in hot towels, lathered, and tended to for a couple of hours. Mm.

The last reason is more of a personal one -- maybe even spiritual. I've always admired the open, beaming faces of women with no hair. Maybe it's because I'm a Buddhist, but I can't think of anything more freeing than shaking off attachment to a piece of myself that I not only don't actually need (hey, I can knit hats) but that costs me rather a lot of money to maintain to the standards that are deemed acceptable by my appearance-obsessed culture.

I was walking downtown yesterday, feeling serene and breezy and laughing a little at the averted eyes of strangers (or the stares of children). I walked by no less than four pricey hair salons and positively beamed in the window. I also grinned at the lady in the bead shop who insisted on informing me that they were looking for lotus seeds for customers who wanted to make their own malas. I must've looked *really* serene!

Above all, I enjoyed connecting eyes and smiles with those who understood that beauty comes from being happy with oneself, rather than what products you apply to your body. I'm thrilled to have claimed a little piece of freedom.

Is Polyamory the New Gay? Hm, not really..

2011-07-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

Polyamory has been making headlines in the Canadian media for the last year, due to BC Supreme Court's polygamy law trial (you can read more about this on the CPAA website at polyadvocacy.ca). One of the catchphrases that came out of the Vancouver media was "Poly is the New Gay" and I've been pondering the validity of this assertion.

On one hand, polyamory is about relationships that are an alternative to the Western cultural norm. There are many queer-identified folks who embrace polyamory, myself being one of them. Finally, poly is also a form of social revolution which flows out of readjusting our views on what intimacy, love and partnerships can and should look like.

On the other hand, not everyone who is poly is gay. Additionally, polyamorists have not experienced, as a community, the same kind of prejudice and oppression that visible members of the gay community encountered (and still encounter with dismaying regularity) in North America and throughout the world.

I'm uneasy about co-opting labels from one movement to promote another, unless it's an accurate fit. I tend to feel that polyamory is a sister-movement to that of the gay rights movement, rather than some kind of "newer version". Indeed, as a bisexual, poly activist I see the achievements of the gay rights movement as building blocks which have been instrumental in paving the way for acceptance of diverse relationship choices. Rather than being the New Gay, I feel polyamory can be seen as a widening of the palette of personal freedoms in our society. Not a replacement, then, but an addition.

catalysts need love, toooo..

2011-07-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

I seem to be a poly catalyst. You know, the girl who sparks the poly flame -- the one who suggests the threesome, or gives that extra nudge towards that hot date you've been wanting to hook up with.

I love my job, don't get me wrong. Just remember that, unlike my chemical brethren, I'm still here at the end of the ignition process, more or less intact. Hugs, thanks and fond acknowledgment are infinitely appreciated. :)

Photo credit: Ivo

why I believe polyamory is a choice

2011-07-21T16:52:00.001-07:00

This is simple, really. I believe we choose ALL of our actions. Note that I am not saying we choose our feelings.. sometimes feelings arise quickly and unexpectedly within us before we can even identify them.

We can and do choose to modify our feelings. Sometimes this is good, like when we allow ourselves to be calm and examine a fearful or jealous emotion to find out where it's coming from. Sometimes our modification is not so good, like when we suppress a feeling and it bubbles up and out of us in ways that are hurtful.

Just as we can choose to modify our feelings, so can we choose to modify our relationships -- in essence, to modify our responses to other people. We can feel love for more than one person, but choose not to act on this for a variety of reasons. We can also feel love for ONLY one person but decide to open our relationship to other people we care about because it makes everyone happier to share intimacy.

When someone says to me: "Oh, I'm polyamorous because I'm wired that way," I smile to myself, because I know that no one can ever foresee the future circumstances of their life, in which monogamy may in fact become desirable.

Personally, I'd rather be with a person who has made a clear and conscious choice to be poly, because that means they've weighed the options, consulted their feelings (and those of others) and decided to take responsibility for that choice.

Yep, I'm a fan of nurture over nature when it comes to polyamory -- particularly the process of self-nurture.

moment to breathe

2011-07-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

When things become too confusing,
and many voices compete
more and more I am reaching for the simplest way.

I pour tea, nap, and eat vegetables
go outside and walk, or sit on the ground
speak little, and go to bed alone.

Eventually,
things become clearer
and lighter.

some thoughts on triggers and little fears

2011-06-28T02:21:00.000-07:00

My mind that creates wondrous love also creates fantastic fears, with triggers like lures that dangle deceptively, distracting from the line that tethers me to the Great Fear, residing in my depths: abandonment, loss and death. All other "fears" are as nothing compared to these, and all of these must and will be faced in my lifetime. What, then, is the point in being anxious over small fears, and why should I not fill myself up with love while I still can?

slow self movement

2011-05-28T01:12:00.000-07:00

All my life I've been blessed (cursed?) with the ability to do things a bit more quickly than others. More and more, it's getting me into trouble with myself -- creating anxiety over the need to do more and more things, or worrying about whether I've done a good job of something that I did quickly.

I'll be 45 in a few days, and I think it's time for me to slow down. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I know I can do it if I try..

I'd like to wake up and not jump right out of bed in the morning, but linger to breathe and enjoy re-integrating into my body after dreamtime. I'd like to have meals and taste every bite and sip. I's like to spend time with the people who really matter to me, listen to their words and share thoughts with them in a way that *shows* them how much they matter. I'd like to make love with attentiveness and savouring. I want to inhabit my time rather than skim over it like an uninteresting highway to an unknown but anticipated destination. We all know what the destination really is; I can wait a bit longer to get there.

why I do poly

2011-04-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

It's easy to overlook the simple things. It's also easy to get caught up in labels.. queer, kinky, poly: in the end, it doesn't really mean anything unless you're actually aware of what you're doing and the reasons why you're doing it. Sometimes I think it would be more accurate to label my actions rather than labeling myself.

My Poly 101 group met last night to discuss the most basic topic of all: Why are you polyamorous? I chose to skip going to the discussion (I had a guest facilitator fill in) because I felt in need of some cuddle time and personal attention from a friend. Having just experienced a rather disappointing end to what I felt was a promising relationship, my heart's been in need of some solace, and I've been trying to be kind to myself and create the space I need to breathe, reevaluate my needs, and to heal -- and most of all, to figure out who I am. Why am I putting myself through this, I wonder, when it would be easier just to be on my own?

As I sat with my friend I realized two things: the first was that while I was enjoying his physical presence (he's terribly cute and we've been playfully sexual on one other occasion) I was also feeling more pleasure in containing my feelings within the boundaries of a quiet cuddle. This was sort of a big deal to me because sex is often a way I find comfort and connection. The second thing was that my needs for relating to other people are far more complex and varied than I ever imagined. How could one person possibly fulfill my longings for acceptance, love, sex, independence, fun, friendship, nurturing, camaradarie and even constructive criticism?

I'm not thrilled that my heart is hurting, but I am awed and grateful to witness how such a wild variety of sustenance flows towards the space left by my letting go of something I thought I "needed". There is no one thing that will feed me forever, and, with this realization came the surety that there is no one thing that I am. I am constantly thrilled, however, with trying to relate authentically and fully to those around me. I love being me, doing poly.

vote note: why I think election apathy sucks

2011-03-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

Having conscientiously exercised my right to vote since I turned 18, I can't imagine why Canadians would choose NOT to. We are damn lucky to have the opportunity.

Furthermore, not voting doesn't send out a message of resistance, merely one of apathy or worse, tacit agreement with the status quo.

I regularly interact with people from cultures where voting is considered a precious privilege or even a distant dream (particularly for women). Even if you have issues with our current political system, it still makes sense to use whatever tools you have available -- including the force of numbers to voice dissent -- rather than toss them away without considering their potential usefulness. (Imagine if our polititicians were told by their campaign managers that they needed to win over the anarchist vote in order to gain a majority?)

In our time of social media and unsurpassed access to online education and marketing for anyone who cares to spend the time online, why on earth would anyone think their individual vote (and voice) doesn't matter?

Power is where you make it; why not keep some of it at home?

SlutWalk: Toronto walks the walk

2011-03-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

Check it!

http://www.slutwalktoronto.com/

So very agreed with this!

To blame sexuality is simplistic. To blame people is to perpetuate guilt and abuse. To address the needs of a culture deprived of healthy sexual role models for women and men is our call to arms!

for the love of sexy men

2011-03-17T02:07:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a very dear and trusted friend about sex and self-image. We discussed how much of our self-image is shaped by how others perceive us, particularly when it comes to sex. Because I'm sex-positive, sexually curious and not afraid to talk about it, I'm often viewed as some kind of "expert" on the subject. Ironically, the more I learn about sex, the more I realize there is no way to be an expert on it except as it pertains to your own sexuality -- so this projection usually makes me laugh and, admittedly, it sometimes annoys me. My sexual "image" has been a barrier to intimacy on occasion. Hmph.

My friend then said that being sexually intrepid caused potential partners to view him as scary or predatory.

My paradigm shifted.

Wow.. here I am complaining about being seen as a sexual guru and here's my friend -- no less sexually savvy than I am, no less of a responsible community sex-pos advocate, no less emotionally aware or compassionate than myself -- being viewed as predatory because of his gender.

So, as a respected sex-pos, female-bodied community leader, let me just reiterate: In my experience, liking sex is a good thing when combined with respect, honesty and empathy. This is true regardless of one's gender.

Hmph.

I think I need a maid..

2011-03-12T17:15:00.000-08:00

Definitely one of my favourite places to be dirty.

Happy spring, y'all.

sexual practition

2011-03-09T17:09:00.000-08:00

I'm in the process of re-evaluating my sexual life. The last time this happened, I entered a period of wild expansion -- an opening up that took me places I'd never imagined I could go, that scattered fears like leaves and demolished assumptions about myself and other people with the same enthusiasm a hungry teenager demolishes a stuffed-crust pizza. It's been mostly fun, and definitely educational. It's shaped who I am and how others view me, and made this blog possible.

Now, I feel changes coming again..

It's not that I want less sex, but more that I am better at knowing what kind of sex I want, and less anxious about waiting for it.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about offering more, and expecting less. The quality of service within the context of sexuality is one that appeals to me. Not submission (though sometimes it can take this form) but more of a total giving, a complete release into offering pleasure to others (or even oneself) that utilizes the full spectrum of skills and compassion acquired over a lifetime of dedicated sexual exploration.

I feel like it's time I started asking, not as a supplicant, but as an assured and confident Practitioner: How can I serve your pleasure?

poly less-than-perfect

2011-03-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

I'm having a grumpy day/week/month. It's grey and cold outside and I have 20 weeks left of night-shift work that leaves me having to turn down most social invitations (and dates!) and I, like almost everyone else I know, am yearning for spring to wake me up inside. I've not seen my partners much, and when I do, we're all pretty low-energy and tired from working. Sex? What's sex? Sigh.

I also just realized that in the last 9 months one of my boyfriends got married, another moved in with his other girlfriend, and my other two sweeties will be moving in to the same building together. Happy for them, I am. Of course! Feeling out of the loop, am I? You betcha.

Get over this challenge, I will (talking like Yoda seems to help right now, so I'm gonna roll with it.. ) but for now I think I'll just let myself be less than perfectly poly.

clownin' around

2011-02-21T03:01:00.000-08:00

I seem to have developed a bit of a clown fetish.

Photo credit: N.T. ~ 2011

gratitude

2011-02-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

I attended a discussion this week with friends from my local poly group. Our topic was what we'd like to communicate to our past lovers. I wrote this poem:

Thank you for all your flavours
of skin, tongues, tits, cocks and lips: it was a splendid buffet!
The stuff of legends to recall along with
Christmas mornings, birthday cakes and
circus trips.

Thank you for the sounds you made in my ear:
the moans and giggles, the ragged catch of tears in your throat,
and the times you spoke my name -- you know, the way you did.

Thank you for helping me knock items off
my bucket list (and for allowing me to help you
with yours).

Thank you to the women
who taught me things about my heart and body
I couldn't see myself, even with a mirror.

Thank you to the beautiful young men
who peeled back my cloak of invisibility
and rolled, ecstatically virile over my stretch marks, my scars
and my fear of being -- not old -- but just another middle-aged mom.

Thank you for an appreciation of black-eyed peas,
cowboy hats, butt plugs, large breasts,
body paint and shower-sex (though not necessarily
in that order).

Thank you for your angry silences, your stupid knowledge-gaps,
your smacks-upside-the-head,
your significant absences in the night,
all of which made me listen, made me search,
woke me up
and finally taught me patience.

Thank you for embedding each mirrored shard,
a piece in the kaleidescope that is my life --
no less beautiful for having been shattered and rebuilt.

Thank you for the blood that began to flow
back into each numbed limb
long after I thought they'd never feel again --
it hurt like fuck, but after the tingling stopped,
I found that I'd regained full use
of things that hadn't worked properly
since I was twenty-two.

Thank you for colliding, meteors to my moon,
each of you carving character on my lunar face
for current and future lovers to wonder at.

Who knows, after all, how far our mutual jostlings have set
original orbits astray?
Perhaps, just perhaps, that few, crucial degrees
which have enabled me to reach
the ones I now hold dear?

--Kiki, 2011

unnecessary fracture

2011-02-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

The need to be loved is universal.

Why then does it often prompt us to commit exclusion, omission, negation, and a profound lack of compassion for our potential lovers?

I think fear is not only the mind-killer, but the heart's stealthy assassin.

how to talk about hard stuff

2011-01-25T22:19:00.000-08:00

Saying "no" isn't easy for many of us. In the context of polyamorous relationships, it's often difficult to say no to a partner when they're eager and excited about a new person.. but... what if something about that new relationship just doesn't sit well with you, the current partner? How do you know if your objection is reasonable, how do you convey your feelings to your partner without seeming hostile or petty, and how do you negotiate if they still want to pursue the relationship?

There are a few things that can make it easier.

First, be prepared to talk about feelings and wants, but not judgments and ultimatums. You're partners because you talk and listen and negotiate, and this is easier if you know as much about each other as possible. Sharing feelings brings people closer; giving edicts and judging creates polarization.

Second, take turns talking and listening. You know how this works; don't interrupt and make sure you check that you've understood what the other person is really communicating before you have your say.

Third, remember that no matter how much you may want something, your partner may choose not to align themselves with what you want. If you state a request or preference, be prepared for your partner not to conform to this (for good reasons which they'll tell you about). Do NOT threaten to withdraw your love if this happens, and never, ever, EVER tell your partner they must not love you if they don't conform to your wishes. This is a one-way ticket to Messy Breakupville, via the Emotional Blackmail Express.

Fourth, and most importantly, remember you are Partners. Offer support even in adversity and the opportunity to reassure, touch and continue talking even if things seem stressed. Reassurance is often overlooked and definitely underrated as a need-fulfillment. (Try giving it out to your friends, kids and partners at random and see what I mean.)

Fifth, last and still very importantly, be attentive to yourself. Remember that your feelings and well-being are as important as everyone else's, so if something does not feel good to you, it's ok to say so. The outcome of the situation may not be exactly as you forsee or desire, but if you practice asking for what you need and expressing your feelings honestly, I guarantee you'll feel much more empowered and in control no matter what the outcome. You are human and therefore capable of adaptation, flexibility and growth.

Life and love are full of negotiations. Engage them confidently, compassionately, and with a spirit of optimism and (in the case of poly), with love.

do you ever have the feeling..

2011-01-05T10:16:00.000-08:00

.. that you're riding through the village naked, but no one's really looking? Or am I the only one?

link for this image

Happy 2011 everyone. Remember to put yourself out there, plus ultra!

ethical slut readalong, kids!

2010-12-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

Hey, have you read The Ethical Slut, yet? No?? Well now's the time! Best of all, you can do it with one of my favourite people, Kit O'Connell of approximately 8, 000 words ...

Kiki & Kit at Poly Big Fun, Austin, TX in 2007

Fertile

2010-12-20T10:55:00.000-08:00

Lying damp with you,
I take time to compare.
I'm sure it's true:
our bed is wider,
this ceiling higher,
wine is wetter and
my flowers redder than
before.

Published in Oysters & Chocolate, June 2008

here

2010-12-11T02:20:00.000-08:00

I'm here with scars. Funny, how for men they're souvenirs of pride -- for women: blemishes of shame.

I'm here with experience. This doesn't make me wise, or capable, or even competent. It does make me more ready to cry with you and more likely to hold your hand, though.

I'm here with humour. It keeps me dry despite the deluge of downright asininity.. is that a word? Whatever. I'd rather laugh than fight, with you.

I'm here with ballast. My breasts and buttocks have finally discovered gravity, and my hips are in love with the earth. For an air sign, I've become pretty darn grounded (hint: the sex is better down here).

I'm here with love. With *sharing* love. With spillingspeakingspurtingsplutteringspewingspankingspamming as much of it as I can while I'm still gasping breath...

I'm here. Engage me, or ignore me. Who knows what difference it'll make?

communication style -- what's yours?

2010-12-09T08:52:00.001-08:00

I have a question based on a communication workshop I attended last night. What do you find the most difficult thing to do when it comes to communicating with your partners/lovers:

1. talking about facts and observations (without judgement),
2. talking about your feelings,
3. identifying your needs in a situation, or
4. asking for what you need or want?

(Me, I usually do ok with the first three --now that I've worked hard to separate judgement from my observation of facts -- but I still have a lot of difficulty and insecurity about asking for what I want/need from my partners, for fear they'll find me too demanding.)

What about you?

poly hot-buttons

2010-12-03T12:50:00.000-08:00

A lover and I were recently discussing some of the "hot-buttons" poly people have (particularly in online forums). These are topics that cause the greatest controversy among poly people, because they have to do with differing views of how poly relationships should be structured, how sex works in poly, or simply how we are different, emotionally. For those of you who think poly is all painted with one brush, try signing onto a forum sometime and searching for these words.. you'll find they provoke much food for thought, and definitely paint a picture of the wonderful diversity within the world of the polyamorous:

Poly hot-buttons (try posting a thread with these as headers in a poly forum, or, if you're the outgoing type, shouting them aloud at poly dinners and/or conventions):

1. slut
2. mono/poly relationships
3. polygamy
4. swinger
5. "don't ask, don't tell"
6. threesome
7. fluid-bond
8. unicorn
9. hierarchy/primary/secondary...
10. veto

newsflash: if sex is scary, poly sex is positively terrifying to some..

2010-11-22T11:02:00.000-08:00

Canada's polygamy law goes on trial today in the British Columbia Supreme court. You can read about it here, on the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association's website. Polyamorists, myself included, feel that the law as it's currently written is unconstitutional and violates the human rights of anyone who desires to cohabit with more than one partner (in the case of polyamorists, with other consenting, informed adults).

A good friend of mine is a witness in the case, speaking out about her private life as a poly woman with two male partners. It takes a great deal of courage to do this, particularly when polyamory is so little understood by the general public. This morning my friend posted a letter to her blog which made me ache for her, and also made me immensely proud of my poly community. It was a hate letter.

Pretty much anyone can set up a blog and state their own opinion. It takes a great deal of courage, however, to publish someone's hostile opinion about you, particularly one in which they criticize your sexual choices and the people you choose to love. Furthermore, it takes grace and a great deal of classiness to post an articulate and respectful reply to such a letter. Personally, if I had someone write to tell me:

You are just living like a slut, sorry.... Yes , sex is a huge part of a relationship but you are all playing with fire because someone will eventually get hurt very deeply. As far as I can see you are all screwed up and have relationship issues.

I'd be tempted to point out that they forgot to add: "And you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny!" Fortunately, I wasn't the recipient of the above constructive criticism, and I think Polly Amorie handled her response with a great deal of dignity and respect.

As often as we tell people poly isn't about the sex, it amazes me that so many non-poly folks deeply desire to make it about the sex. I sense a fear and fascination that goes beyond a simple "sorry, it's not for me" viewpoint. Anyone who feels the need to tell another person they're screwed up simply because they are willing to announce their sexual happiness has a few issues of their own. Glass houses, and all that..

shoot

2010-11-21T12:18:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to be "relationship positive"?

2010-10-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this blog, chances are you've already heard the term sex-positive before, probably in many contexts. The Urban Dictionary defines "sex positive" as:

An approach to sex and human sexuality that embraces the full benefits of sexual interraction as healthy and uplifting, based upon the premise that sexual expression is good and healthy and that societal repression or control of the individual's sex-drive is bad and unhealthy.

I've always considered myself sex positive. Lately, however, I've been exploring -- through the communication and self-growth tools I've learned through polyamory -- what it means to be "relationship positive".

Like sex positiveness, being relationship positive is an approach to creating relationships that embrace the full benefits of intimate interactions between adults in a way that is healthy and beneficial to everyone involved. Also like sex positive, relationship positive acknowledges that societally-defined (or culturally-defined) relationship structures can be limiting and very often unhealthy to the individuals involved.

Relationship postive, to me, means being aware enough of myself to know what kind of relationship works best for me, and then doing the work to acquire the tools to be able to communicate my relationship needs to others. Doing this in a kind, loving and even humourous way make communication about our relationships that much better. The ability to design our own relationships that work for ourselves and our partners regardless of the predominant cultural paradigms is the essence of being relationship positive. This includes ANY kind of relationship that works best for us (including polyamory, monogamy, single-ness, intentional communities... the list could be as long as you like).

Welcome to my relationship positive space, where anything is possible if you know enough to ask.

ethical sluts, redux

2010-10-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

Me and Dossie at the Poly Living conference last weekend in Seattle. She's cuddly!

You can read more about Loving More's conference at their website here, or on Victoria Poly 101's blog here.

who are you calling a slut?

2010-09-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I was walking home from my lover's house and stopped to wait for the bus. The streets were quiet, as they always are at 11:30 in my city. As I waited, a car sped by and a man's voice, loud, angry and quite probably drunk, shot at me from the passenger seat. The words were few, and the only one that really mattered was: "Slut!"

My first reaction was shock and dismay, followed by a fleeting fear reaction (I was, after all, a lone female out at night), followed by.. irony? I wanted to retort back, "Yes, but I'm an ETHICAL slut!"

In one swift moment I realized that ownership of our language, our self-image, and our sense of security is a serious struggle, indeed. My poly friends and I throw around the term "slut" freely and somewhat thoughtlessly, feeling secure that *we* know what it means. We forget that most other people do not share our definition of our word, and, by extension, of who we are. Last night, I learned that slut, like gay, fag, or practically any racial slur that's been "reclaimed" by the group it has been used to oppress, can still be used as a weapon when the intent behind the word is violence.

The man in the car may not have known what it was he actually called me, but it didn't really matter. The word is just a word; intent is always what matters. I have him to thank for reminding me to crank my awareness of intention (mine and everyone else's) up a notch, and to use my own words with care.

and just in case you thought I was slipping..

2010-09-07T00:03:00.000-07:00

Fuck yeah (my boot, her hand, one helluva camping trip.. ).

Photo by Silentpierce

let there be no wasted moments

2010-09-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

If you have time on your hands, don't be anxious. Fill each moment with something worthy of your humanity.

Read. Reading is fast becoming a lost art. Reading an actual book, especially so. Learn to sit quietly and breathe with a book. It will make you healthy in your body and your mind.

Cook healthy wonderful homemade food. How can this be wasted time?

Listen to beautiful music that inspires you. While you do this, you can also: knit, draw, paint, sort buttons, darn socks, roll pennies, or just sit and breathe happily.

Love. Take time to love other people, and take time especially to love yourself. You know what I mean.

Laugh. Watch a funny movie or read a webcomic and laugh your head off. Laugh until you cry or pee. Resolve to do kegels. It's all good.

Walk. Everywhere you can. Those extra moments can each be one step forward to somewhere.

casual sex along the way

2010-08-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

I've been musing about casual sex and where it fits within the poly spectrum of relationships (or within the human spectrum of sexuality, for that matter). One of my city's many poly discussion groups is going to address this topic next week, and I wanted to articulate my own feelings about it, which are confused to say the least.

I am a very sexually aware person. I love and enjoy my sexuality and that of others. My sexual needs are complex and numerous, and often perplexing. I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to be polyamorous and express my sexual self with others who "get" me, more or less.

There is an aspect of casual sex that I've noticed which is particular to poly relationships: when one or several of my partners is having it, I feel like I should have it. too. Keeping things "even" is a great temptation in poly, but it's also often a big emotional mistake, and casual sex is an obvious example of how this can come about.

Everyone's sexuality is personal to them -- like our bodies themselves are personal to us. Because we no longer live in tribal cultures where we know, love and trust many people around us from the time we were born, our sexuality is vulnerable and we have to figure out a lot of things for ourselves.

It's a great challenge to express sexual desires and needs against the backdrop of cultural and sometimes legal strictures. It's extremely difficult to discern between what we actually feel and what we have "learned" to feel regarding sex. Being able to explore this important aspect of ourselves in a safe way, with people we trust AND are attracted to, is essential.

For myself, it is a process and a journey that is ultimately very personal. In this journey, it's best if we encourage each other to be fully ourselves without the need for imitation or conformity of any kind (including the desire to be "equally sexual" with our poly lovers) and certainly without the need for judgment.

Casual sex is a connection with another person, however brief, and as such it's an important part of a sexual journey. However, casual sex -- or any sex at all -- requires that we honour and respect our partners and ourselves.

blessing upon entering a new relationship

2010-08-03T07:34:00.001-07:00

May my* becoming part of your* life:

- bring you pleasure, because pleasure is something everyone deserves
- give you a companion to talk to when you need to talk to someone different
- bring you exciting sex that is not like the sex you have had with other people, because no one makes love in exactly the same way
- provide you with another nurturing haven in which to curl up and feel cared for and loved, because we all need many of these spaces
- bring you wisdom in knowing yourself a little better as you get to know another person intimately
- show you the world through another pair of eyes, another cluster of passions, and another lifetime of experience, scars, fears and courage-gained
- allow you to understand that you're special and deserving of love no matter how many partners you have and how long they're with you

* now reverse these words and read again

10 reasons why you should appreciate your secondary partners:

2010-07-25T17:42:00.001-07:00

- they have time for you, even though you don't always have time for them

- they're always really excited about your date nights (and even take the time to shave and dress up!)

- they are good at looking after themselves

- they are almost always up for a night of hot sex

- they understand about scheduling

- they look really great on your other arm

- they can talk about things other than the kids, the bills, and the house renos

- they encourage you to have another martini or to buy that sexy pair of shoes/hot sportscar because the colour matches your eyes

- they have perspective

- they love you just as much as your primary does

poly homemaking tip

2010-06-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

How do you have your cake and eat it too?

I've been asked this question quite a few times by friends who want to know my secret to awesome, connected sex+relationships with intelligent, attractive people. Well, here's the scoop:

As with any delicately-constructed and delectable confection, partake of it sparingly, with awareness and grateful enjoyment.

Most importantly, whatever you do, DON'T grip it so hard that you squash it into a tiny, gooey ball of unappetizing dough.

meta-moresomes

2010-06-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

I have an extraordinary amount of gratitude for the couples who have opened up their lives and hearts and relationships to create room for me to love them.

Once upon a time -- and for a rather long time -- I was one "half" of a couple, and it worked pretty well. When I first learned about poly it was because my husband and I decided to "open" our relationship to other people. As it turned out, we decided that dating "as a couple" was not a good option for us, but I did try dating couples myself, and this was always a learning experience -- sometimes delightful, sometimes difficult.

I must admit I have some pangs of sadness that I wasn't able to try being part of a "couple" in a poly situation, but I feel very lucky to be on the receiving end, and, like most good things in life, there is very much a give and take balance in creating a harmonious Poly V or Triad.

One of most interesting things I've learned about poly group relations is that the relationships between metamours -- your lover's lovers -- is central to creating good communication and balance. While good partner communication seems obvious, metamour communication is a special and often delicate matter. It requires as much if not more trust than that which you have with a partner, and a considerable effort towards intimacy.

When you are dating just one person, your relationship with your metamour is somewhat straightforward -- you both love the same partner and so that can become a bond between the two of you. Hopefully, you will have other things in common that will help intimacy and trust grow into friendship over time, or even platonic love.

However, when you're partnering with both halves of a couple, not only are both of them your lovers, both of them are also your metamours! This can easily be overlooked, but I've found it's really important NOT to forget this other relationship, almost hidden within the larger "threesome". By considering each of your partners' metamour-needs as well as their partner-needs, an added dimension to communication is created, as well as extra consideration, intimacy and trust. Eventually, we realize that everyone we are close to deserves the same amount of attentiveness that we would give to a beloved metamour (it's a really good way to learn NOT to take your partners for granted).

I'm really grooving on this idea right now, and all the delightful additions it brings to my relationships. It really does turn a "threesome" into a so-much-"moresome".

happy birthday to me

2010-05-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

44 isn't looking half bad...

;)

bedposts

2010-05-08T00:32:00.000-07:00

photo by ItalErian

epitoMe

2010-05-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

photo by Hillwalker

relationships according to my cat

2010-04-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the individual pursuit of pleasure as opposed to an attitude of bringing happiness to others in relationships, and about how to achieve that balance in a healthier way. It has seemed to me that focusing on ensuring others' happiness (this means being attentive to what they really want and need and not what *I* might think they want and need) is a way to create a better relationship for everyone involved.

If I regard the well-being of others as my "job" or obligation, while viewing what they choose to give me in return as simply a gift, I find this creates a proper balance for myself between caring and expectation. This doesn't mean that I allow myself to become a doormat to be used for the gratification of my partners, but rather I treat myself with the same awareness of my limitations that I treat others with. I find I can draw good boundaries and still make caring about other people's happiness my prime motivation.

Being realistic about my needs, how they can be met and by whom, enables me to let others know how they can do this. When it comes down to it, I have very few needs beyond basic survival and that of being loved for who I am. I assume others are the same and that they appreciate when I acknowledge this.

Finally, whenever I am confused about *how* to communicate a need to someone (or how to interpret their communication of a need to me) I think about my cat. She asks when she wants to be fed, let outside, or cuddled. When she's had enough, she simply gets up and goes someplace else. She sleeps when she needs to and plays when she feels happy. She lets me know she loves me and I know this doesn't stop just because she's decided to get off my lap and do something else that she needs to do (I know she'll be back). She also trusts that I'll take care of her. If only we could all relate so simply!

Dear Kiki, I'm almost 44 and I need a LOT of sex!

2010-04-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

That's right, folks.. my sex drive is in overdrive (and has been for some time; I just have a mature abundance of patience that makes it seem like I'm ok with having tea instead of fucking). :P

At the same time, I desire to spend more time devoted to community involvement, artistic pursuits, philanthropy and prayer. For some reason, thoughts of sex always seem to get in the way. Can one actually *pray* whilst masturbating? Is giving a superb blowjob considered a creative act? Is filming my sexual encounters a form of philanthropy? So many questions and so little time... ;)

Advice? (Yes, I already have a Magic Wand, several younger lovers, and a friend who sells sex toys.. )

just lovely

2010-04-15T01:11:00.001-07:00

photo by SilentPierce

polyamory and disclosure

2010-04-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the idea of disclosure in intimate and sexual relationships for some time now. Knowing when and what to disclose, and to whom, can be tricky when you are engaged in multiple intimate relationships. I think it's actually a very personal issue that needs to be worked out with each individual involved. However, it amused me to break the process down into four, sort-of-logical premises:

Premise 1

My body is mine. How I care for my body, treat my body, and pleasure my body is my decision, exclusively.

Premise 2

If I choose to share my body with you, you have a right to know things I do with my body that might affect YOUR body. Examples of this are:

- what I eat or drink that might impact your sensitivities
- what contact I have with other people or the environment that might expose me to harmful viruses, bacteria or other toxins

Premise 3

It is your right to choose how to physically relate to me as a result of my disclosure of what or who my body has been in contact with.

Premise 4

Whatever decisions are made regarding the first three premises will also have an emotional impact on us. :)

ok with asking, ok with hearing the answer

2010-03-10T17:38:00.000-08:00

Experience, it seems, has the benefit of wearing away one's rough edges. This may explain why I seem to be moving more smoothly through the narrow twists and turns of my relationships of late. I've learned a few new tricks, too.

One of the things I've begun to practice is asking for what I would like to have. I've sort of stopped worrying too much about whether this is a "need" or a "want" and simply allowed myself to wish for things -- my body is usually pretty honest about it if I stop to listen. "I'd like cuddles," or "I'd like praise," or "I'd like sex," are all pretty basic, harmless desires and ones that I feel better and better about asking for.

Surprisingly, I've found that once I actually get up the courage to ask someone for something, I feel so good about myself for having done so that the answer they give me isn't as direly important as it would have been if I'd left my want unvoiced, and sat in silent longing. I am, amazingly, becoming more and more ok with hearing "no" as an honest answer.

Of course, hearing no all the time or hearing it for reasons that seem arbitrary don't feel good, but then it's MY choice how to deal with the situation. I'm becoming better at choosing to relate to people, whether they're intimate partners or friends, who are willing to give me honesty in return for openness. Another bonus is the opportunity to practice saying no when others ask -- with compassion -- after I've taken the time to think about it. For me, impatient Gemini-type person that I've always been, this is a grand accomplishment.

More difficult is asking myself for things I desire. "I'd like rest," for example, has become a plea I cannot ignore now that I have a job that requires me to work nights. I'm working on asking myself and never saying no -- because surely I'm the one person in the world who can do that for myself.

poly love letter

2010-03-08T16:40:00.001-08:00

Dear Aspiring Poly Person,

I know this is a giddy, confusing and sometimes scary time for you. As someone who has already been there, I want to congratulate you on the things you're really good at.

Thank you for asking lots of questions -- even if you think they're stupid, obvious, or that others might laugh at you. These are the questions everyone else wants to ask, but is afraid to, so way to go.

Thank you for not assuming anything about the way I love people, how much I love people, or why I'm poly. Also thank you for not requiring that everyone hold the same definition of poly as you, and for not feeling threatened when they define it differently.

Thank you for your honesty. REALLY, thank you for this. I can't thank you enough, actually.

Thank you for not assuming all poly people are sluts. Thank you for not assuming all poly people don't approve of casual sex.

Thank you for telling me that your partner is having trouble dealing with the idea of poly, and is feeling way too jealous right now for you to have another relationship. Thank you especially for telling me this before we spent intimate time together and long before I fell in love with you and had to deal with being pushed away and made to feel guilty for wanting some of your affection.

Thank you for seeing that poly is as much about learning about yourself as it is learning about other people, for seeing that it's as much about dealing with being alone as it is enjoying being surrounded by loving partners, and for realizing that while compersion is nice, it's not the holy grail of poly, and for not beating yourself up if you don't always feel it.

Finally, thank you for listening. After all, no one can have a meaningful conversation if everyone always does the talking.

Love,

A Real Live (poly) Person

younger men

2010-03-03T16:47:00.000-08:00

I have been called a cougar, although I prefer to think of myself as young at heart.

Sometimes, though, I am stealthily, purposefully feline in the way I stalk you -- are you still interested? Are you curious? So much the better, since I enjoy teaching almost as much as I enjoy you fucking me.

Am I predatious? I think not.. my intentions are always loving, and my methods are additive. I take nothing away, and I share better than most. I will probably fantasize about your girlfriend while you're inside me, and tell you how much I want to see her with you, eyes shining and plump breasts tight with excitement (and I will mean every word).

I'm a good mother, and I'll always feed you before, and after, and even during the act. I've earned my MILF status and flaunt it proudly. I understand when you need cuddling and when you need to push me off the bed because you're too hot to sleep (this makes me laugh and is one reason I do yoga). ;)

I'm not ashamed to do the things you think about when you're finally home after a night of drinks and smoking and grappling and cumming too soon and not as hard as you'd have liked. Nothing you want will shock me very much, because chances are, I want it too (always have, but now I'm finally old enough to admit it).

I'm not afraid to tell you I want you, ask for sex, appreciate your body, your moves, your scent and your ideas about religion and building things yourself. I like watching you drive and I'll give you a blowjob while you do it.

And I can teach you things.. things that will make you swell and feel able to fuck anything into submission, should you so desire. I can teach you discipline, too. I love it when you kneel and brush your hair against the inside of my thigh. There are so many ways to please me if you pay attention.

I like the way you appreciate me for all the things I want to give, and that you don't require more. I am more like you than I am like men my age; I am comfortable alone in my own space and if I share it with you, you know you're special.

If you like what you've read so far.. well, good. You know where I am, and I know where you are (even in the dark). I'm looking forward to tasting more of you.

Purrr...

sexual happiness: the fruit that's ripest

2010-03-01T13:13:00.001-08:00

How many people are truly happy, sexually-speaking? By this I mean: happy with how much sex they're getting, happy with their expressions of sexuality, happy how other people treat them sexually, happy with thinking about, hearing about and simply being sexual. It's a pretty difficult thing to be happy with, don't you think?

Many people I've met recently are either confused about sex, or downright unhappy about it in some way. This makes me really sad, because I can't personally think of anything that is better-designed to create human happiness than sex. The fact that so many people aren't happy with sex bothers me more, the more sexual happiness I've discovered in my own life. Which leads me to the conclusion that sexuality, above all, is something we need to cultivate carefully in order to share it.

I've asked myself the question many times over the last year: how can I best nurture my own sexuality so that it makes not only me, but others, happiest? One of the things I've become a big fan of is patience. Waiting for sex to blossom in any form (whether it's a new love relationship or a better orgasm you bring to yourself) is like waiting for fruit to ripen to the point where it's most nourishing and delicious. In other words, it's worth it.

What this means is that I've spent more time in the last few years waiting to feel VERY right about whatever sexual act I engage in. Sometimes, this still happens fairly quickly, but more and more often it unfolds at a leisurely pace -- one that I can sit back and watch with delightful anticipation.

The phrase, good things come to those who wait definitely holds true for sexual fulfillment. The trick is to know your fruit, as each kind will ripen at its own speed and in its own season.

poly advocacy in Canada

2010-01-30T18:30:00.001-08:00

Please note the following press release from the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association pertaining to their application to intervene in the B.C. government's challenge of Canada's anti-polygamy law

http://polyadvocacy.ca/

Guest post: Poly-Mono Judgment

2009-12-28T11:06:00.000-08:00

A member of the Poly 101 group I facilitate posted this recently on her blog, and I liked it so much I asked if I could re-post it here...

An acquaintance of mine recently complained in her blog about the judging that goes on between monogamous and polyamorous folks, with mono people calling poly people sluts and poly people calling mono people selfish and unenlightened.

In general, I find refreshingly little of this among both the mono & poly people I hang out with IRL. Mostly when I see it, it’s online. (‘Course I also think my mono friends who judge me have just quietly dropped out of my life rather than confront me with their opinions. Which is too bad, because I would have liked a chance to discuss it with them—but it’s their choice.)

I think the whole thing probably stems from envy, fear of judgement or insecurity about people’s own choices. For example, it seems to me that the monogamous people who are most judgemental about poly people are those who either can’t find stable relationships for themselves or have been making themselves miserable trying to maintain long-term, committed monogamous relationships that aren’t making them happy, and have convinced themselves that being unhappy to preserve a relationship makes them more noble (oh, and do poly people ever do this too!). And a lot of poly people do face a hell of a lot of judgement from people in monogamous society (and frankly, that judgement often gets a lot uglier than what poly people lay on mono people), and they can get pretty insecure and defensive. Convincing yourself that you’re superior can be one way to help deal with that.

I think there’s a lot of misunderstanding, too, about what people are really saying. I’ve seen exchanges along these lines:

Mono Person: You, Poly Person, are selfish for wanting more than one partner.

Poly Person: What does selfishness have to do with it? I could just as easily say you are selfish for wanting to keep one partner all to yourself.

Mono Person: How dare you call me selfish?!

Now Poly Person didn’t actually call Mono Person selfish, but was trying to point out that the “selfish” label is subjective and can be applied in either case depending on how you look at it—or depending on the behaviour of the particular mono or poly person—and is therefore useless as a generic label. But Mono Person interpreted it as a judgement on them (perhaps because Poly Person, already in defensive mode, failed to phrase their reply as delicately or eloquently as they could or should have).

(Note that I had Mono Person start the exchange and Poly Person be the more reasonable one because I recently saw almost this exact exchange in a comment thread about a poly documentary, not because I think Mono Person would be less reasonable by default. The same discussion could easily go the other way.)

I can also say with complete honesty that I would have totally failed at polyamory ten or even five years ago because of a lot of unresolved insecurities, and that the work I’ve had to do on myself is what’s made me successful at it now. I can say the same for my husband, and I would venture similar predictions for certain other people I know who I think are poly but just haven’t reached a place in themselves or their lives where they can live that openly (as distinguished from my perfectly happy & secure and truly monogamous friends). So while I’m more secure, less selfish, and perhaps a tiny bit more enlightened than I used to be, and that’s part of what makes poly work for me, that doesn’t mean that I’m more of any of those things than someone else, who may be perfectly happy being monogamous. But if I say that working on my insecurities and selfishness has made me a better poly person, an insecure mono person could interpret that as saying they haven’t done equal work, when in fact, doing the same work would just make them better at being monogamous.

There’s also the issue of people who are mono or poly pretending or trying to be something they’re not, in which case a suggestion that they need to do some soul-searching may be in order. For example, someone who’s really poly, but who either doesn’t know that’s a real option or who says, “I would love to do that, but I’m too jealous/selfish/insecure/afraid/whatever,” can cause a lot of pain to themselves and other people in trying to have monogamous relationships and making themselves and their partner miserable. In those cases, I think it’s fair to point out (in a compassionate and friendly way) that they—and their partners—may be better off in the long run if they work on the issues that keep them from being poly rather than trying to deny their poly-ness. On the other hand, there are monogamous people who stay in poly relationships that don’t make them happy, because they’re afraid to lose a poly partner who they love, or they hope their partner will someday become mono, or they think philosophically they’d be somehow better if they were poly. They probably have some things to figure out, too. And to further confuse matters, there are emotionally monogamous swingers who try to be poly because they can’t admit they just want casual sex, and they also hurt themselves and other people—and maybe also deserve a kick in the pants to get them to ‘fess up to what they really want or need. But—in an online forum in particular—a response about the individual behaviour of any one of these people is likely to be interpreted as an overarching judgement on all people of that “type,” at least if the speaker/writer is a poor communicator (or prone to generalizations), or the listener/reader is inclined toward defensiveness and starting flame wars.

Anyway, I’ve seen pretty much equal amounts of selfishness, sluttiness and enlightenment among both mono and poly people. (Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with being a slut, mind you.)

And then there are the young ‘uns, who are convinced no matter what that their choices—whether they involve veganism or born-again Christianity or polyamory—are the only right ones, period. (Not that I’ve ever been like that, of course.) For them, all we can really do is model patience and tolerance and wait for them to grow up.

oh so mellow

2009-09-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

Oh.. ooo... yum. Autumn is here! How I love the equinox...

Every year I save up my nuts and wait for the mellow sunny roastyleafy days to arrive. I'm a hoarder of blissful summer moments -- a squirrel running to and fro gathering the nutty, yummy bits of all things summer to store and save and savour allllllllllllllllllllllllllllll winter long.

Nothing is more erotic for me than the scent of fallen leaves. Nuts are my food of choice. Roll in crunchy fallow grass with me wearing handnknit woolens and I'll bring you home for dinner..

Pumpkins, wine and sharp, insistent cheeses.. crisp air frisking off the harbour and tones of orange and grey making a re- appearance in our shy, westcoast skies. Tomatoes that are alarming in their tanginess. Yellow that should just be illegal.

Mellow that should be legislated.

stopping the buck: compassion as counterpoint to radical honesty

2009-09-02T10:26:00.001-07:00

I recently attended a wonderful poly event with friends and family. It was a gathering conducive to the open expression of thoughts and feelings and like most events of this type, a safe "haven" from the outside world, in which people who might normally feel vulnerable to criticism because of their lifestyle choices are able to relax their vigilance and feel accepted by the group as a whole. It was also a family event, attended by my children and by people of all ages.

During the event I felt relaxed and safe -- except for one ugly moment when a fellow attendee decided publicly to use words not as a tool of empowerment but as a weapon of defense against a perceived harm. It shocked and shamed me to be present at such a moment, and gave me pain that the object of his attack was a member of my family who subsequently spent the rest of the weekend feeling upset and vulnerable.

It also got me thinking about the practice, which is becoming quite popular in our buttoned-down North American culture, of radical honesty and of how this can so easily be used as a weapon and smokescreen to defend the ego from painful truths. It seems to me that far too many spiritual seekers are evincing brutality in the guise of honesty, forgetting that the spiritual master who uses a whack on the head to jolt his pupils into awareness is using this tool with all of his wisdom and experience to back him up, picking the perfect time and laying his own desires aside in the interest of serving his student in the best way he can. To wield honesty unmitigated by compassion for others (and perhaps even more importantly for ourselves) is actually dishonest and counterproductive.

Honesty, radical or humble, starts with ourselves. If we feel emotional pain because of something another person says or does, the compassionate thing to do is to ask ourselves why we are experiencing this and determine where there is a kernal of truth in the situation. Often, at the heart of our pain and rejection of an idea is a fear that we are unloved, inadequate and rejected. Recognizing this fear for what it is: the product of our ego which wants to maintain and shore up a positive, unassailable, consistent image of ourselves as loveable, strong, good and perfect is the first step in compassionately reminding ourselves that nothing can touch the core of who we really are. The fear that we allow to rule our words and actions can result in expressions of anger, defensiveness and brutality towards others. This in turn can perpetuate this fear in another person, and what we tell ourselves is radical honesty is in fact a mirror of our ego's fear and defensiveness.

As I sat that afternoon with my family and witnessed a painful lashing-out aimed at my loved one, I realized that I, too, felt anger, fear and shame at being exposed to attack in a space I had considered safe enough to bring my children to. It was only when I reached (with some difficulty) for compassion that I realized I was still safe. Not being a spiritual master myself, I have no radical solutions or insights to offer; I offer instead my observation and my desire to find compassion in my thoughts, words and actions in the hope that my fears will become a little less palpable and likely to cause harm. I may not be able to jolt others into greater levels of awareness but I can choose not to perpetuate fear by my own unconsidered reactions, making sure the buck stops here.

poly, jealousy, and when to call it

2009-07-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

A member of a polyamory forum I'm on asked how you tell if jealousy is justified or not (I paraphrase). This is a Very Good Question Indeed.

I am very happily poly. I get jealous all the time. I deal with it pretty darn well. How do I do this?

Well...

I approach jealousy through a Needs versus Wants structure. Do I need my partner to do X? or do I just want them to? Then I sit down and ask myself very lovingly and very honestly what the answer is. Really.

In extreme cases, where there is emotional pain involved, it's similar to triage... "Am I breathing? Will I be ok tomorrow if I go to sleep and let this be? Am I swallowing something that might make me very sick later on?"

Sometimes, jealousy is justified, and usually this is because there is pain that won't go away even when you are completely honest with yourself about your triggers, wants and desires.

As with everything else in poly and life, I've found that the causes of jealousy are myriad, and it's helpful to both dissect them -- Is this envy rather than jealousy (eg. "I want what THEY have" rather than "I want them NOT to have it!")? Is this me feeling triggered by how my parents always ignored me/my ex cheated on me/my friends say I should stop being poly? Is my partner being a genuine asshat? -- and to seek reassurance for being the beautiful, loveable, human creatures we undoubtedly all are.

Speak. Tell. Ask. Hold hands.

If they won't hold your hand long enough for you to feel reassured... they're being an asshat and you're completely justified. Jealousy is human. Use it wisely.

paddle pool -- a short erotic ditty inspired by the heat

2009-07-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

Hot weather makes me horny.

This evening it's sweltering. I get in the car and drive with all the windows down, to Home Despot. I love walking around hardware stores with high heels -- one time I actually made a stockboy knock over a whole stack of boxes when I clicked past in my knee-high stiletto boots, heh.

Tonight I'm wearing a flowery dress, little white sandals and no panties. I'm slick from the heat and my dress clings to me until the air-con hits and gives me goosebumps and makes my nipples stand at attention.

I smile as I walk slowly down the aisles, swinging my purse and my hips, and find myself in front of the children's paddling pools. I survey them with pursed lips and before I've even had a chance to touch anything, a smiling salesman with a ponytail and goatee offers his assistance. I tell him I'm looking for something small enough to fit on my deck, but large enough to completely cool off in. I fan myself and smile, and he swallows and grins back.

"Are you looking for an inflatable model, or a.. uh... rigid one, Ma'am?"

"Hm. The rigid ones are really nice," I stroke the edge of the one nearest me, "but I think I might have more fun with the blow-up kind." I smile. "I remember bouncing on the edges as a kid."

He's checking out my ass as I stand on tiptoe to peer at the boxes of inflatables on the top shelf.

"What size would you recommend for me?" I ask, looking at him over my shoulder, arms outstretched as I gesture at the rows of brightly coloured boxes above me.

"Well, uh.. I think you'd probably find our medium deluxe will fit best for what you want," he's grinning from ear to ear and reaches up behind me to point to one just above my right shoulder.

"What's the difference between the deluxe and the regular?" I'm talking practically into his ear over my shoulder, can smell his skin and a light musk scent of aftershave, mmm...

"The deluxe is slightly longer and has wider edges, but should still fit comfortably in a tight space," he's talking into my neck now, his lips brushing my hairline and I can feel his hips press my ass. I tense my muscles and bounce a little off his hard on.

"Fine, I'll go with your recommendation, then. Will you help me reach it?"

"With pleasure, Ma'am," and he presses me against the shelves, both arms above mine with his belly against the small of my back and his erection grinding my ass crack.

We stay like this for a few moments, enjoying the heat between us, and then he reaches down the box and releases me. I turn and smile and he walks towards the checkout with my box. I'm enjoying checking out HIS ass in his tight, tan pants.

******

Later that evening, immersed naked in my inflatable pool on my tenth-floor apartment deck, I listen to traffic sounds below and splash contentedly. My hands stray to my deliciously cool pussy and my fingers find the hot button and linger there awhile... I'm thinking again about the hardness of his cock against my ass and how good it felt when his strong hands gripped my wrists and pinned me to the shelving for those few sweaty moments.

I finish off for the fourth time that evening with a moan, and glance towards the pool-box, beside me on the deck. His phone number is written with green marker on the top flap and I can make out the writing in the dim light of my patio lanterns. I smile and reach for the phone.

"Hi," I say when I hear his low voice on the other end, "it's me. Would you like to come over for a dip in my new pool?"

Stranger in a Familiar Land

2009-07-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

While talking to a friend recently I realized something about myself. She made the statement: "sex changes friendship", and I agreed. Sort of. Part of me went "yeah.. I get that" -- in a way that 43 years of observing the world has taught me to understand abstract concepts. Another part of me (the part that feels stuff) said... "Huh?"
Sex and friendship for me just go together. That doesn't mean I have sex with all my friends (sheesh)! I'm actually pretty picky about that, and careful and fearful and cautious in all kinds of ways... but after sex the friendship doesn't go away for me. It doesn't change, it doesn't get scary; if anything, it deepens. But... my friend's comment got me thinking: what DOES sex comprise, for me?

I came up with three things:

1. Love. Sex is an expression of love. Because I'm poly (y'all know that by now, right?) love is not exclusive. But it's real and powerful and beautiful and multicoloured. I love love.

2. Respect. Sex absolutely requires mutual respect between whoever is participating (*cough* yes, it can be more than two at a time, people). Yes, EVEN in BDSM situations, respect is absolutely mandatory. Respect begets honesty, which begets communication, which begets authentic interaction, which begets...

3. Energy. Sex is, for me, ultimately, and exchange of energy that empowers and enlivens and creates bliss and joy and health, YAY!!! Need I say more?

What sex is NOT, for me, is attachment. Never was, never will be. When I was younger I didn't even think about this... didn't even know about this aspect of my personality. Now, being older, I am not only aware but excited, because it means that I can practice sex and consciously cultivate Love, Respect and Energy, with Intention and without Attachment.

I try to be aware of other peoples' views on sex and respect them accordingly. I try to especially emphasize the fact that if I am having sex with you, I honor you for the unique and beautiful being you are. I feel grateful and blessed each time someone shares their sexual self with me.

In my perfect world, though... we'd all shake hands in a much more intimate way.

cucumber

2009-06-04T00:53:00.000-07:00

I wrote this awhile ago as a twist on the usual "girls with cucumbers" fantasy.

I'm excited because I'm going to the beach for a picnic with this cute girl I like, though I don't know her very well. She's about my height, with dark brown hair, grey eyes, full lips and the sweetest figure... just turned 30 yesterday, and laughing that she's no longer a kid. Mmm, I have a huge crush. I've packed a lunch, and I swing the cooler at my side as we leave the car and head for the secluded part of Little Tribune Bay on Hornby Island. I'm taking her here because even if there's someone else around, no one minds if you take off your swimsuit, heh heh. I can always hope!

We find a nice flat spot on the sand not too far from the water, and spread out our blanket, pull off our shorts and tops to expose our skimpy two piece suits, and immediately start slathering on the sunscreen. I watch under lidded eyes as she rubs it over her barely covered luscious breasts, just about faint when she asks me to do her back -- just about die when she does mine!

We lie back, side by side, eyes closed, on the blanket. Murmer softly, listen to the waves. No one's around. I'm floating on a cloud of her scent (coconut sunscreen and a light musk). I drift. Only to start awake on hearing a THUNK: my darling opening the cooler. "Hungry?" I ask? "Yeah," she says, "you lie there, I'll get us some lunch, since you were so sweet as to pack it for us!" She laughs lightly and I lie back, feeling anything but hungry (at least, not for food). "Ohh, this cucumber is nice and cold; you've kept it next to the ice! I'm sooooooo hot, I think we'll eat this first!" I hear her rummage, find the cutting board, the knife, and peek to see her settling beside me, cross-legged, with the large crisp green english cuke I picked out at SaveOn yesterday grasped in one fist.

"Mmmm, don't you use cucumber as a beauty treatment -- put it on your eyes or something?" I hear her slicing... hold my breath. "Now you lie still, don't open your eyes," she has laughter in her voice, silvery and cool as rain, "I'm going to give you a facial!" I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to squirm! Ecstatic, I feel her place two cool discs on my eyes. "Hm," she says, as if pondering, "you feel hot. Maybe I need to put more of these nice cool slices on you..." And slowly, with a light but sure touch, I feel her place more deliciously icy discs on my mouth, my neck, and down my chest... "Shhhh," she murmers, as a little moan escapes, "you ARE hot, I think I'm going to have to take off your swimsuit," and I feel the front hook of my top pop open, cool fingers and juicy cuke slices slide over my very erect nipples. "These won't stay on!" she laughs. "Lemme just make them into rings," and I try not to shake too hard with delighted laughter as she slips cold little cucumber donuts over each pert tit. I sigh and stretch slightly as she places more slices down my middle, my belly... and then she reaches my bikini bottom.

"Well, this may as well come off, too!" and she undoes the side strings, eases it down. I'm so wet I can hardly stand it, but I lie as still as I can, playing her game and loving every minute of this. I can just imagine her now naked breasts swinging tantalizingly over me as she bends to reach the last cool disc from the cutting board. She runs her hands up my thighs, not parting them but probing, and then -- slides an icy slice between my incredibly hot lips, back and forth while she laughs and says: "You look like an antipasto plate, darling! I think I'm going to have to eat you al fresco!"

And I can't help it: my back arches, cucumber bits spill everywhere and I'm lost in a wave of pleasure as her lips and teeth meet that last slice, tongue darting to taste the cool-hot salty mixture within...

I open my eyes, and she's smiling at me, mouth moist, still munching. "Well," she says with a twinkle in her eye, "that was yummy, but I'm still a bit hot and hungry! How about you slice me some of that watermelon?"

How to Wake up Beautiful (as seen on Yahoo and adapted by Me... Who needs ten steps when you can do it in seven?)

2009-06-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

1. Go to bed naked.
2. Make sure your pillow smells yummy (your lover's hair, your own musk, lavendar, a kitten... )
3. Leave your window open -- night air is delicious & nutritious.
4. Fall asleep after a delicious orgasm.
5. When you wake up, touch and say goodmorning to the parts of your body you love the most. Then say goodmorning to the other parts. Take your time. :)
6. Have a delicious orgasm.
7. Check the mirror when you get up. You Are Beautiful. ;)

domination and devotion

2009-04-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

Ah, I love the insights being a switch has given me into the murky world of my own sexual psyche! I like to think of my proclivity for swinging from one kinky pendulum extreme to another (with pauses to enjoy all the delicious ambiguities in the middle) as a way of achieving balance in my relationships. One of the things I've noticed is that I cannot consciously determine whether I'm going to feel submissive or dominant towards a certain partner -- I just have to go with the flow. Delving into the reasons for the direction my flow chooses has shown me some interesting inner truths about my needs and desires.

Recently, I've begun to feel switchy with one of my Dominant partners, which is a curious thing. Why would I want to turn the tables on a relationship which I've found deliciously satisfying? Unless, of course, I have a need for balance. Puzzling over the situation, I fell asleep and woke up with a word in my head: devotion.

When you hear this word, as a BDSMer, you probably automatically think of submission, and you'd be correct. Submission involves abandonment into total devotion to a Dominant, a Master or Mistress, and herein lies the ecstasy of giving everything you can give and having it *accepted* in return. Balance is beautiful.

But, there is also an element of devotion involved in being a Dominant. Acceptance of submission is important, but so is the commitment to utterly care for and know everything there is to know about your submissive partner. I've spoken about the difficult role of the Dominant before and how mindful awareness is an absolute requirement to be successful in this role. There is no room for negligence in domination. If a sub thinks you have ceased to care about their offerings of service, they will lose faith in your ability to lead, to master, and they will feel something is lacking.

How does a Dominant achieve and sustain this mastery, then? Through devotion. To be utterly and wholly focused on your submissive as a unique and cherished treasure whose abilities to give are valued even as they are exploited and tested -- this is the sacred duty of a Dominant. For devotion received, devotion is given, and herein lies balance.

ldr and impermanence

2009-04-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

Since I've been doing more poly relationship workshops lately I find I'm being asked more frequently about my LDRs (long distance relationships) and how I manage to sustain or even tolerate them. It seems that many people, even poly ones who have the opportunity to form more than one intimate relationship at a time, still find the idea of not being frequently in the physical presence of a loved one to be difficult to accept.

I'm not saying I always find this easy, but I think I have learned a few tricks that help me deal with distance, and most of these come from my study of Buddhist teachings. In particular, the concept of impermanence has helped me immensely to put my relationships into perspective and also to enjoy the moments I AM in the presence of my loved ones to the fullest.

A few years ago, when my then-primary partner's mother died, I picked up a copy of Thich Nhat Hanh's wonderful book: No Death, No Fear. I wanted to read it to myself and my children to help them understand as clearly as possible that death was not a concept that should overshadow our lives with dread. I found much solace and inspiration in his words, and I also found unexpected advice for how to live my life more fully and with more awareness.

In particular, I was fascinated by the idea that we can carry love for anyone in our hearts regardless of where they are or whether they are even alive at the moment. The love we have enriches our lives because we have it, not because of what exists in a particular moment. In fact, things change from moment to moment so what we think we know is only what knew -- it's already past. When we stop clutching onto past moments and try to just be present, now is when fear leaves us.

We know, irrevocably, that everyone (including ourselves) will someday, possibly very soon, be gone. We know that every relationship we have will most certainly end. What, then, is the difference between fifty years lived in the physical presence of a loved one and one hour? And how much sweeter one hour of total awareness of our lover than fifty years of taking them for granted?

LDR is difficult, of that there is no doubt. On the other hand, the moments I've spent with my far distant lovers have been full to the brim and bursting with sweetness, which I remember with love and joy. I also know I will have those moments again -- if not with those loves, then with others. In trying to be as present as possible with each person (including myself) who I love, I grasp a precious gift that otherwise I might not know were I never to reach beyond the boundaries of my small circle of life and touch the minds, hearts and bodies of those I find beautiful.

No coming, no going,
No after, no before.
I hold you close,
I release you to be free:
I am in you
And you are in me.

--Thich Nhat Hanh, No Death, No Fear

on crying while being topped...

2009-04-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

This post is a response I made to a friend who had an experience with his Lady while being topped by her. Their relationship is still relatively new, and she had found it somewhat distressing that he began to cry after a particularly intense topping session.

I've only had this happen once, and it was the first time my partner had ever topped me after years of me having been HIS Top. On this occasion, I begged him to hurt me because deep down I knew I needed the release and I trusted him completely. I think my crying was a physical unblocking of energy as much as an emotional release, and I base this on my experiences with other energy/body work and crying.

For example, I've both experienced and heard stories from people who give and receive massage (some of them are professional MTs) that intense deep tissue work can cause a person to dissolve in tears.

Another example I've experienced and read about is crying after a very intense (usually g-spot) orgasm.

Taking these (not unpleasant) examples of crying as physical release (and hey, some of us cry when we laugh for a long time) I think you can reasonably assure your Lady that your crying was in many ways a purely physical reaction, and a positive one because it indicates a movement of energy in your body from a blocked state to an unblocked one. As a practitioner of tai chi I've noticed that unblocking of "stuck" energy can often be painful at first, then feel terrific afterwards -- very similar to being beaten!

That said, your Lady is partly correct about crying being associate with unhappiness, since the blocked energy we store in our bodies is usually from something that makes us unhappy, afraid or sad. The crying, though, is a sign that the negative emotions are MOVING, which is a good thing. Some of this stuff may well have been stuck for years, and it's a wondrous thing to have someone unlock this for us -- a precious gift.

When I've had subs cry during or after a session, I feel awed and realize I've managed to aid them in unblocking something they needed to move along, and let them cry for as long as they need to (and then I get them some water). :)

Congratulations on having such a special, intimate experience and someone special who can share it with you!

~K

new poly blog!

2009-04-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

Check out Victoria Poly 101 ...
for all your poly questions, curiosities and basic poly needs!

full with the charge

2009-03-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

I sing the body electric,
The armies of those I love engirth me and I engirth them,
They will not let me off till I go with them, respond to them,
And discorrupt them, and charge them full with the charge of the soul.

--Walt Whitman

*******

I don't expect my partners will give me everything I need, but I do expect the Universe to give me exactly what I need, when I need it. My job is to figure out what that is.

the sexiest thing ever

2009-03-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the qualities I seek and admire in those I partner with, and I discovered that one of the most important qualities is courage. Not the kind of courage that means someone will do dangerous things, or look for battles to fight -- the courage I'm talking about is the the kind required to face demons, usually our own, and honestly be ourselves in the face of a bewildering array of paths open to our choosing.

I've noticed that when people tend to cause the most hurt to others it's because, somewhere, they are nurturing or protecting a fear. There are things we'd rather not examine in ourselves, or the world, and the fear this generates can resonate throughout our relationships in uneasy and painful ways.

The courage needed to look honestly at and admit our fears, to work with them and to find ways to live with and around them, and to learn from them -- this is the kind of courage I admire most. This is the kind of courage I can love. This kind of courage isn't a lack of fear, but rather a willingness to live WITH fear, and still live well.

How, I wondered, do we accomplish this? We're all told to "face our fears" or "allow our fear to pass over and through us", but what ways have I seen people live well with their fears?

One way is through grounding ourselves, through meditation or spiritual practices. Creating a place of peace inside ourselves that we know is always there and safe. This takes a lot of work, and I strongly suspect faking it til you make it is a great way to help this along.

Another way is through humour. Being able to see the ridiculous in our situation is a way of scaling fear down to something human and manageable. It's also something other people can relate to; humour teaches and uplifts at the same time.

We can also manage fear through love. Loving unconditionally, forgiving, and cultivating compassion are Buddhist ways of living through fear, and, like humour, are affirmations of our humanity. Willingness to love (including loving ourselves) is the basis of courage, in my opinion.

I honestly can't think of anything sexier than this.

notes from poly 101

2009-02-25T09:37:00.000-08:00

Last night I held a Poly 101 evening at a local bistro, in the hopes of encouraging the new and curious to come out and ask the questions they might be having about polyamory. I've been to similar sessions over the last few years and found them extremely helpful in sorting out some of my own feelings about practicing and identifying as poly, and one of the things I love about attending them regularly is the wealth of fresh perspective on "old" poly issues that new people bring to the table.

I was incredibly pleased to see over half a dozen new and eager faces last night; the discussion, which was a fairly loosely structured "what challenges have you encountered or do you expect to encounter in polyamory as a relationship style?" generated some awesome ideas for future, more focused discussion. Some of the tantalizing topics touched upon were:

- the challenge of loving non-poly people
- different kinds of poly relationships
- does poly really "work"?
- what about commitment? are poly people into commitment? how does one define commitment in a culture where exclusivity is the accepted norm for a committed relationship?
- semantics (is an "open relationship" the same thing as polyamory?)
- how do poly partners reach agreements, and what about boundaries?
- jealousy, envy and compersion
- secrecy, communication within relationships, and being "out" to the world at large -- varying levels of openess

I also provided a links list of online and local resources:

Poly Links

"Polyamory? What, like two girlfriends?", Franklin Veaux's extremely practical and thorough poly information and advice website. A must read: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

"The Polyamorous Misanthrope", a terrific advice column/blog by an experienced poly practitioner: http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/

"VanIsle Poly Yahoo list", where you can sign up to get news of all the latest events: http://www.vanisle-polyamory.com/

"Sex Positive Alternatives" (SPA), a Victoria-based Cyber Community Centre promoting events on Vancouver Island for consenting adults (19 yrs +) who practice alternative loving choices such as swinging, polyamory and Dominance/submission,masochism/sadism or variations there of and those who identify as heterosexual, bi-sexual, gay, lesbian, transgender, or transsexual: http://www.sexpositivealternatives.com/

"Jealousy and the Abyss", a really wonderful essay on how to look at jealousy as a tool for growth and self exploration rather than as something to be avoided: http://www.planetwaves.net/jealousy.html

"Polyamory, STDs and Safer Sex": http://www.serolynne.com/poly_stds.htm

"Polymatchmaker", more than just a matchmaking site, there are informative forums and links to all kinds of poly information worldwide: http://www.polymatchmaker.com/

"Sexual Integration and Free Association", Kiki's blog: http://kikimuse.blogspot.com/

in defense of NRE

2009-02-24T09:28:00.001-08:00

NRE (New Relationship Energy) sometimes gets a bad rap in polyamorous circles because of the upset new and intense emotions can create among relatively stable existing relationship dynamics. While this can be true, and it's also true that some people tend to groove on NRE so much that they do lose sight of their other partners and commitments, I'd like to point out that there are some perfectly natural reasons why NRE is a wonderful experience that can be used to create a heightened feeling of love for everyone we are in contact with.

My take on love is that it's all coming from inside ourselves, and certain people bring out different aspects at different frequencies, at different times. As little kids, we love indiscriminately, and gradually, as we grow older and get knocked about by the world, we begin to pull back on how much we love. Eventually, we begin to believe we can only love a very few people (and, more importantly, only a very few people can love us). But... when we fall through the cracks in our own armour and fall IN love, our barriers fall down and we feel that open channel of love pour back into us, if only for a brief time.

This is what I think of as NRE -- not the love for one particular person but the fact of being the state of blissful love -- back where we belong -- if only for a brief time. Soon, the gates begin to close, reality sinks in, imperfections scare us, and we scale down our lovingness to something more sustainable. If we're lucky, we find a lasting level of love that we can maintain with one or more people, and this is what most of us call "love".

So I don't really think NRE is any different in quality than any other kind of love -- it's only a much wider, brighter, faster channel to what we're capable of being if we let ourselves really be fully who we are. I think NRE is a VERY useful experience, because it reminds us of what we're capable of -- a state of total acceptance and being right in the moment without concern for fear or loss or possession or expectation. NRE is a flash of grace and it is valuable because it shows us a glimpse of our own beauty and capacity for divine love.

NRE for me is not so much focused on one person or object so much as a state of being in a very heightened awareness of the moment and of my own potential/capacity for lovingness. I feel loved and lovely in NRE, and it's very much like a state of grace and somewhat unrelated to the person I love. It's more like the relationship unlocks some capacity in myself to love at a higher frequency.

Ongoing, trusting, longterm love is simply the glue that connects us all together and makes us human. It's the love we live and breathe and die for lack of. It's ubiquitous as sunlight, and equally as necessary. NRE helps us notice it, but then we gradually subside into thinking about other things, absorbing love around us as though it were ordinary and not a miracle at all.

How lucky we are to be able to awaken again and again to the loveliness of love. :)

a matter of trust

2009-02-10T13:52:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling philosophical today, and a few of my morning readings sparked a pondering on the idea of trust. I think everyone would agree that trust is a concept most commonly equated with honesty and, more importantly, with proof of honesty -- unlike faith, which requires no proof. While some will use the two words interchangeably, I believe they arise from quite different sources. For me, faith is grand gesture, a sort of overall letting go of expectation and judgment in order to expand what I take in and open myself to possibility. Faith involves risk.

Trust, on the other hand, is in the details. Trust is a practical concept, involving some risk, still, but also attached to expectation that our trust will be reciprocated and nurtured. Whether it's trust in another person or trust in the sun to rise again the next day, when we place our trust we take a calculated risk -- one we feel is a pretty sure bet based on our knowledge and experience.

For this reason, trust has a shadow side which is, I believe, fear (I think faith's shadow is possibly despair, but I'm not about to get into that at the moment). Well-balanced, fear allows us to judge correctly and prudently where to place our trust. Allowed to go unexamined, however, our fears can block our pathways to trusting ourselves, others and the world around us. Further, if we persist too long in self-deception -- hiding from our demons or even projecting them outwards, our ability to be trusted falls into question.

The basis of trust, then, for me is self-trust first. We've all met people who come across as insecure, hostile, or who blame others for their misfortunes. Trust in those individuals is hard to come by, though I'd argue that it is still possible to nurture faith in their ability to change. In my personal journey, I'm exploring the meaning of self-trust more deeply now than ever before. And, interestingly, this process involves a certain amount of faith that my demons will not overwhelm -- and will in fact, help me -- learn to trust myself better.

What inspires trust in you?

my first guest column! "Strong"

2009-01-25T09:14:00.000-08:00

I find I'm looking at women in a whole new way since seeing Laurel push Maya out with super-human where-did-it-come-from dazzling strength of spirit and body. I am reminded that we are capable of so much more than we realize.

Yesterday I was on the train to Barcelona, and I found myself looking at the younger women who probably hadn't had children yet, thinking, "Do you realize the power and strength you have within you?" I looked in their eyes and thought probably not. I looked at the older women who have probably given birth one or more times and thought, "You are wise and you know. Do you get the respect you deserve for what you are able to do?" I very much hope so.

And those of us who have not given birth, we must recognize that we have that power within us, to use for whatever purpose we wish to pursue. Anything really IS possible.

Juliette lives with her partners and their daughter in Barcelona, Spain. She is, among other things, a polyamory educator and someone I admire greatly (and hope to meet someday in person)! Her poly website (in Spanish) can be found here: http://www.poliamor.net/contenido/index.php

directions for use

2009-01-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

To truly know me, you need to learn my intentions. To learn my intentions, you need to see my actions. To love me, you need to love yourself. Mistakes will be made along the way. Keep trying. I love you anyway.

crazy 'bout a Mercury

2009-01-15T11:01:00.000-08:00

Kiki's helpful Gemini tips for making the most of Mercury retrograde

Ok, I'm not an astrologer by any means but I am observant of cycles, and being a child of the Winged Messenger of the Gods I've had to cope more often with his sullen moods than many of you. So here are a few of the strategies I've worked out to help me successfully navigate periods when our collective consciousness deems it's time for things to go tricksterishly awry.

1. Don't expect anything to go as planned, but do expect life to show you a smooth path. Usually this will entail stepping gingerly with one eye closed amid the clutter of broken cellphones, delayed flights, tearful SOs and ominous engine rumblings. Walking is the transportation method of choice, followed closely by A Wing and a Prayer.

2. Don't try to communicate with words, written or spoken. Carry paper and coloured crayons with you at all times, or sidewalk chalk if you live somewhere with dry pavements. Learn to play the kazoo, or sing (lyrics are not technically considered words, nor is poetry). Interpretive dance is a highly effective way of getting your point across, and when in doubt, flash a brilliant smile or give a warm hug.

3. Spend time with plants, animals and running water. Showers definitely count, as do bugs and the mildew around your bathtub drain. Pet a dustbunny today.

4. Listen to your dreams and remember them, but don't try to make them real just yet. Put them under your pillow and water them with your tears and the drool that comes out of the corner of your mouth when you nap, and once Mercury comes back out to play, so will they.

5. Love yourself and all the mistakes you can possibly make. Every time you make a blunder, reward yourself with a kiss, a cookie or an orgasm to remind yourself that mistakes mean you're alive.

Representation & repression

2009-01-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

The other day a guy contacted me on a social site and expressed interest in talking to me about polyamory. He was honest and explicit about being currently in a monogamous relationship and his desire only for friendship. Great! I wrote back and said I'd be delighted to discuss one of the topics nearest and dearest to my heart and that I enjoy making new friends. I also added that I wanted him to make sure his partner, who was struggling with the concept of poly, was ok with him chatting with me about it, AS FRIENDS.

After a few days, he wrote back thanking me and said he'd decided to try and learn about poly elsewhere, to avoid giving his partner any discomfort at the idea that he was talking with another woman about ideas about polyamory.

I commended him on his honesty, wished him luck with his information-gathering and his soul-searching, and proceeded to shake my head... I realize that when I post my thoughts and my photos online, I am evoking a meme of sexual openness that may be disturbing or threatening to some people. What this exchange made me realize was that I could also be identified as an individual person with these concepts, in a sense to personify them. I wanted to laugh and at the same time shout that it was the silliest thing in the world to avoid talking to ME about ideas which we all harbour and personify, and in fact those of us who are open about our sexual yearnings and exploration are far less likely to try and pressure others with our repressed needs than someone who denies any identification with their inner slut.

I really do wish him well. I also wish I could wave my violet wand and banish forever the idea that something bad will happen if you allow others to see the glorious sexual energy you share with every living, pulsing, propagating cell on the planet.

Danger! Kundalini rising...

cut and pastie

2009-01-06T17:38:00.000-08:00

I've been musing about nipples. My own, other women's, men's... my kitty's.

Nipples are really sort of cool. They perform both a practical and an erotic function. Visually they signal nourishment of many kinds. They're soft and bumpy and fun to touch in all sorts of ways. And they ALL look slightly different.

I used to be very self-conscious about mine; I thought they were too big and not perky enough. I used to dream about tiny, strawberry-tipped nipples on the ends of vanilla cones. Also hershey's kisses nipples on a generous scoop of chocolate. Latte nipples with a drizzle of butterscotch, anyone? Boy nipples are fun to tease and tiny, like kittens'. There is nothing as blatantly exposed and human as a naked nipple -- it says, HERE is my softest most vulnerable spot, from whence cometh all my flowing abundance, be it droplets of sweet nectar or tiny orgasmic sparks that only an astute lover can see in the dark.

I got myself wet and frenzied last night thinking about being nipple to nipple with another human and I decided that brushing our chesticular anntennae together will be a form of greeting when I rule the planet, oh yes.

dealbreakers, poly, and assumptions, oh my...

2008-12-19T10:25:00.000-08:00

The assumptions people make about the world around them astound me sometimes, particularly when they're made in a vacuum. I've encountered people who seem to feel they have it all figured out yet haven't bothered to leave the safe haven of their living room (or neighborhood, or small town...). It particularly astounds me when someone makes assumptions about me, having never bothered to communicate with me. I bet this has happened to you, too.

But then, maybe it feels safer to look surficially at life, shoring oneself up behind a wall of judgment in order to avoid being looked at directly by other people (or to look clearly at oneself). Have I ever done this myself? Damn right I have, and I've worked hard to put in place a number of checks and balances so that I don't continue to do so, since for me living surficially is akin to not being alive at all.

l have a lot of love for my fellow humans, even the ones I have come to realize challenge me to alter my awareness (sometimes I love them best of all). However, I think I'm beginning to value emotional courage more and more each day, and if anything could be said to be a turnoff for me (no, I'm not going to use the word dealbreaker, and I'll tell you why in a minute) it's a tendency towards avoidance and laying blame. I work hard to own my shit, whether it's jealousy, fear, laziness, carelessness or anger. I'm a big collection of flaws rolled up into a human package that also has quite a lot of damn nice parts attached, and I recognize that others are the same.

But here is the ranty bit: I'm so tired of people being fucking cautious about love, particularly poly people. They often spout a good talk about there being more than enough to go around, love is limitless, yada yada... when in fact what they're really doing is parceling it out in little careful doses to those whom they deem the most worthy (or the least scary and liable to tip over the apple cart of their own complacency). I see the plethora of dealbreakers, rules and justifications as simply another way to place blame on others for what needs to be worked on in ourselves. If I know my own needs, desires and limits, why on earth would I have to find flaws in others as a reason to modify a relationship?

Dating and relating is not supposed to be a chore, a test or an ordeal. It's supposed to be what we do, naturally, in order to learn and grow and become better able to give and receive love. There are a lot of ways to love (bumping bits is merely the tip of the iceberg, believe it or not) but only one way to be human -- and that's to participate. It's much easier to do this if you leave your assumptions at home, in your living room, under the sofa with the other dust bunnies.

wingtip to wingtip

2008-12-15T09:26:00.001-08:00

I have a friend who helps monarch butterflies. She plants milkweed in her garden in California, and the butterflies lay their eggs there, the caterpillars feed on the plants and when they're ready, they build their chrysalises. Apparently they scatter to do this, but my friend has been lucky enough to see quite a few of them who stayed, and has watched them emerge in their winged form.

I loved hearing about this. Something about the idea of helping butterflies -- who apparently flap their wings and ever so softly create breezes that can be felt around the world, according to chaos theory -- reminds me of creating memes. It's also a very simple affirmation of the interconnectedness of everyone and everything. Monarchs migrate, and some of the very butterflies who were born and matured on my friend's milkweed plants might be ones that make me smile on a summer day at Beacon Hill park. They also do stuff to and for the plants and air (hey, I'm not a biologist but I know that all insects have a niche). So by helping butterflies, we "fit" right in, doing the right thing at the right time.

So, too, do our words and thoughts which are born and nurtured in ourselves fly out to greet others, some of whom we've not yet met or seen or even imagined existed. So too, do our words and thoughts when they're uplifting and positive, fit perfectly, or resonate, with other people. I recently read about resonance in a book about chakras, and the idea has excited me. Vishuddi, the name for the fifth chakra (that of the throat and voice) means "purification". So, too, can our thoughts expressed as words sanctify those who encounter them, as a monarch sanctifies those he touches with the tip of his wing in passing.

On nights like this, when I spend a lot of time sitting and pondering and worrying about not doing enough with my life to connect and create and fulfill whatever it is I'm meant to fulfill... I find myself thinking about different kinds of butterflies, and what actions and intentions are needed to help them most in their travels.

scorpio moon

2008-11-18T11:27:00.001-08:00

My morning shower is my lover. I keep the water very warm, so it feels like tongues running up and down the backs of my calves and over the rounded part of my belly. I love how it wraps around my waist like soft arms and curls over my shoulders like tendrils of sun-kissed hair.

Like a lover, the water embraces me, accepts my shivers, my moans and my breath. It fills the hollow spaces where I've not been touched in far too long.

It loosens and softens me, coaxes out my tears with its persistence and swallows them.

Under water, I can be vulnerable.

quality of heart

2008-11-16T12:22:00.000-08:00

In a recent conversation with a partner, he expressed his concern that he wasn't giving me the same amount of time that he gave other partners. This confused me a little, because for me, quantity isn't an overwhelmingly important issue. I am generally more concerned that my interactions with a partner be meaningful and in some way additive to our relationship as a whole. I like to experience different facets of a person, and accumulate each experience into the mosaic that is our unique, shared relationship.

Quality Time, for me, is not having the same experiences or quantities of experiences with a partner that they might have with another person. Quality Time IS having shared experiences that fit in with my unique relationship and potential with THAT person. It's like playing music with someone else, and with one person we play bluegrass, with another it's a symphony, and with another it's an all-weekend rock concert. There is no comparison necessary, but the quality of each experience is either good or not-so-good depending on its merit within its own genre of relationship.

While it is tempting to quantify time/effort/experience as an expedient way to manage the multiple relationships we all engage in (think of the children!) it's really not the way that makes people happiest, even if they might think it will.

So in the (sometimes velvety) underground ride of relationships, let's not bother with a timetable; the important thing, as E.M. Forster wisely points out, is only to connect./

because there's always another chance to say Yes

2008-11-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

Just watch it.

linkity link

2008-11-08T15:45:00.001-08:00

I came across this today and figured it needed sharing. The article is called "How to be Poly-Friendly" by PepperMint (and can also be found here), and it's a good read for both mono and poly folks (as well as the open-minded and generally curious).

Here's a teaser:

...While this list is addressed to monogamous people, I encourage poly types to read it. We do not suddenly shed our monogamous assumptions or history when we become poly, and so we make many mistakes with each other that resemble the mistakes monogamous people make with poly people....

happy ideas for stressy times

2008-11-03T16:30:00.000-08:00

Keep a light lit in your inner sanctum. (I put up a string of LED lights in my bedroom, with little coloured lanterns attached to it. Every time I walk in and see them an excited little kid inside of me shrieks: "CHRISTMAS!!")

Cook your own dinner. Share it with someone else if possible, even if it's the birds outside your window or the worms in your compost pile.

Bring coffee to a friend without them even asking for it.

Send a loving note to someone without expectation of thanks or anything except their happiness at being noticed.

Listen to an entire album with your eyes closed, doing nothing but feeling the music.

Release the desire to acquire.

sparkles

2008-10-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else see sparkles when they orgasm?
Does your lover's face dissolve in soft light, dancing?
Is it pink and yellow and trailing sparks when you trace your fingers over their lips, your own parted and breathing dancing clouds of light?
This is just something I've noticed...

love and relaxing the hold

2008-09-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, reading my horoscope turns up a surprisingly tasty nugget:

When you identify your ego with your ideas, you really believe you are those ideas, and you will defend them as if they were literally your own body.

I'm a talker and floating ideas is how I process. I'm usually willing to alter them (though I'm pretty sure I have a few deep-seated ones that I growl over like a dog with a bone, heh) and most ideas don't become real to me until I see them manifest in a physical way around me. When that happens, I sort of think ideas are like magic. It's also become obvious to me that they can UN-manifest anytime.

If this is the case, what is love? Is it an idea? Is it real? Is it magic, and can it un-manifest?

I think our egos believe love is their own invention, and because of that we fear it's just an idea that might disappear if we stop trying to define and defend it. If we don't micromanage our love, it'll vanish, or wither, or tragically change...

Lately, I've been exploring the concept of letting go of the idea of love, and I've discovered that while it's perfectly possible to let go of the idea, the manifestation of love simply will not go away. It's sort of like the black mold on my windowsills (only much nicer): whether I actively spray it with bleach or simply refuse to think about it, it keeps popping up again, in different spots, but always very, decidedly there.

The difference, of course, is that while I don't really want black mold in my house (but am resigned to it being there in some form or another), I'm happy to open a door, my mailbox, a chat window, my eyes... and see love right there. When you can't close your eyes and imagine something away, it must be... what you're made of.

sacred whores, receptivity & strength

2008-08-17T21:59:00.000-07:00

Does enjoying submission play make women weaker?

This is a question that comes up time and again for any of us who, as women, also enjoy submission.

Subbing for a woman is particularly fraught with social/moral implications. When I choose to submit I prefer to think of it as part of the more mysterious of services performed by the sacred whore -- specifically, a non-judgmental receptiveness of masculine energy.

We all contain the capacity for feminine (receptive) and masculine (directed) energy, and I've come to feel that in order to maintain a balance in my life, it's good to explore the inherent strengths of both kinds of energy. In this sense, it doesn't really matter what gender my Dominant is, because the very act of being dominant embodies directed energy. The important thing for me becomes finding the threshold of my capacity for receiving... and then moving back to the center with a sense of wholeness, relief and accomplishment.

It takes, when you think about it, a great deal of strength to be a vessel that can hold that energy and not break.

Photo by Ken, 2008

behind the glitter

2008-07-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

It's interesting to find out how others perceive us, but not always useful. Our own impressions of ourselves can be such a thicket of conflicting desires, ego-perceptions and ideals that we turn to others to reflect back to us the things we wish most to see. In the process, it's easy to set up a situation where another person becomes more of a representational concept than a whole, flawed, and growing human being.

If someone looks at me and says: "You are sexy," or "you are creative," or "you are free," these attributes can stick to us like glittery bits of tape and even though we might view them as positive things, they are still not our essential nature. The attributes will eventually obscure the person.

Taking on the mantle of others' projections is tempting, and dangerous. Identifying too closely with the labels others wish to paste on us simplifies who we are and can cause us (and others) to miss many wonderful aspects of our true selves, and this is perhaps especially true when the labels are attractive ones.

Being watchful and aware of taking on the mantle of projections and perceptions is the only way to really be ourselves in the true sense. While we cannot control how others perceive us, we can control how much we align ourselves with their perceptions. Letting go of compliments, as well as criticism, is the only way to cast off the glitter and let the genuine article shine forth.

mojitos, bodice rippers & summer dreamin'

2008-07-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

Hm, it looks as though I'm taking a summer haitus from sex bloggin'... been pretty busy lately with Other Life Things: relationships, personal growth, career changes, hobbies and family. I feel sort of bad that I've not had much time for sexy fun in there -- both for me and for my readers, heh.

I've always found summer is a difficult time for long distance love in particular, as everyone seems to be busy with extra social and work activities and the long lingering evenings of online teasing tend to dwindle to quick updates via email or the blogosphere.

I have had a few really lovely connection times with my sweeties, though. A few crazy cam quickies, some good heart-to-hearts on the telephone, and a very yummy erotic fiction exchange that has me licking my lips and looking forward to fall travel.

So, in lieu of a summer sexcapade, here is a snippet of my summer fiction to whet your appetite:

The dance floor is crowded, as are most of the tables when we arrive, but it's not smoky or hot. A pianist with nimble fingers plays something slow and jazzy, while a singer clad in a dress that looks wet and painted on licks the room with her husky voice.

We find a table near the back, quiet, but not quite hidden from view. A waiter with pretty lips and a ponytail brings us two mojitos and I move to sit on the arm of the soft leather chair you've chosen, making sure my hair brushes your shoulder as I give your neck little kitten bites. "I like this place," you say, while you sip your drink and allow my fingers to travel down your back. I smile and walk my fingers around the front of your pants and feel how hard you are again. "It's just dark enough to be naughty." "Oh yes," I breathe, unzipping you and sliding my fingers around your gloriously firm shaft. You sip again and lean back in your chair, smiling slightly and watching me.

The room is crowded and people are flushed, laughing, other couples are kissing discreetly in corners. I slide to my knees onto the soft carpeting at your feet and smile up at you, and you let me ease your cock free and run my fingers lightly over its shaft and head, where a small drop of moisture has formed. I bend and lick it off, and hear you sigh, so I lick some more...

Photo by Ken, 2008

burn, baby, burn...

2008-06-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

Last month I attended my first burning event near Austin, TX, called Flipside. I've been trying, for the past few weeks, to find the right words to describe my experience there, and it's really difficult because, for me, Flipside was more of a sensory experience than an intellectual/verbal one. But I'll try...

The first thing I noticed and the main thing I remember about the Burn was heat. At over 100 degrees F, this Canadian girl had to pace herself, and after a bad day where I spent an hour tramping around in the sun and the rest of the afternoon laying flat on the ground like my cat does on the kitchen floor in summertime, I did pretty well at staying in the shade until dusk. Since dusk was when all the fun really began, this was OK, but the days of heat did press an indelible stamp on a large part of my experience, alternating from oppressive, to passion-inducing and finally and most importantly, burning off the extraneous thoughts and assumptions of my life-outside-Flipside.

Close behind heat in sensate memory were touch and sound. Caresses were both abundantly gifted and desperately sought, and could also be swift, sharp, wet and surprising. Barriers and boundaries were pushed and explored, struggled with, and a large dose of curiousity and humour helped dissolve much of the fear that comes along with increased levels of physicality in our culture. Sounds were pervasive, often cacaphonous and sometimes sleep-inducing. I heard electronica and whipoorwills in the space of one small weekend (not to mention moans, shrieks, sighs and laughter).

One very obvious element of Flipside was how wholly and naturally everyone threw themselves into the theatre of the event. The burlesque of freaks, geeks, lights, textures, colour and sound intoxicated me to the point that I thought I was on substances when I was merely opening my pores to the nature of the event itself. Being able to dance partially naked, covered in glowing body paint with tiny lights in my hair and to watch Halloween costumed adults revel in the seriousness of their play was deliciously addictive. It was hard to go back to wearing underwear when I got home.

There were other things I noticed about the event and myself. My intuitive senses, in the absence of "normal" points of social reference, became more finely honed. I was able to see serendipitous events unfold, watch relationships coalesce or fall away, see fortuitous circumstances manifest and predict the fractal swirls of relatedness between people and events. I was seeing with much more than my eyes at Flipside. I also found myself envying the older burners; they fascinated me and inspired longing. I want to grow grey with artful intent, a passion for glowsticks, and a disregard for convention.

I attended Flipside with few expectations, but with lots of questions, curiosity and a determination to flow with whatever happened. I didn't find many answers to the problems of my life or the state of the world, but what I did find was an appreciation of the sensual connectedness it's possible to share, and the swiftness with which we can drop our barriers when given a safe place to do so. I'm looking forward to going back again. Welcome home.

embodiment

2008-06-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

I woke today thinking about the physical manifestations of joy, and of how intrinsic these are to our health and wholeness.

There is the act of smiling, for example, which has been proven to set in motion a series of physical reactions beneficial to our bodies in ourselves and others. Touching, being touched, with love and appreciation is something elemental -- we know from the time we're born that we're not separate and that bodily connection is essential to survival. Watch a baby, naked, lying in the sunshine. She revels in her body and when she's touched, she radiates joy.

We're no different as adults, though life and conditioning can add a layer of fear to our natural desire to physically please and be pleased. When we allow this fear to override our healthy desire, we become uneasy with our bodies, our minds, and eventually we reach a state of diseased unbalance. Amazingly, the very act of touch can release all those good feelings and hormones and begin to immediately heal what has withered.

To fully express and experience the gift of embodiment, we need to release the fear that we'll be harmed by touch. Whether this is a fear of emotional rejection or physical harm doesn't matter so much as the fact that the fear itself often becomes more harmful than the perceived danger. While there are real risks in the world, there is also a healthy and compassionate balance we can reach between judiciousness and abandon.

If we embody in the fullest sense of the word, our passion for connection and love, this means we're fully present both for ourselves and others. The act of smiling, touching, or sex becomes, if we're fully present and embodying our joyful intent, an act that is sacred and utterly safe. Within awareness, we can be sure of our limits and abilities and good judgment. What form of touch is exactly right for one person may not be the same as for another, but if any connection is undertaken with joyful awareness, it embodies the sacred. There is nothing filthy or bad about ANY physical connection that's undertaken with this kind of embodiment.

I strive to love myself and others more, and fear less. We need to be honest, to realize that openness to connection involves risk, and to be fearless about accepting joy when it manifests, not just esoterically in our minds, but actually in our physical beings. I realized this morning that my life has been a journey towards the integration and embodiment of my bliss.

Everyone's spiritual path is unique, and in mine I find I cannot separate spirit from body. I know people find this hard to understand in me sometimes, but it's the only path I've found that feels right. For me, there is no division between physical and spiritual, profane and sacred. A friend recently told me that when I'm kissing the look on my face is very zen, which made me smile.

What brings pleasure, is good. Is God. Ironically, this creates a situation where I share my body less frequently rather than more frequently, with others. Whatever people may perceive of me, it's a fact that when I do share touch, it's always deeply meaningful to me. If I laugh when I touch you, it's not because I'm not serious about it, but because I'm feeling blissful and open and fully present. If I have shared or will share my body with you in any capacity, you can be sure that you are very special.

my big, fat, 42nd birthday blog

2008-05-31T10:31:00.001-07:00

Over the last fifteen years or so, my birthday has become a lot less important. Some of the reason for this is that I've had several icky events happen ON my birthday (getting news on my birthday from the doctor that my youngest child was diabetic literally took the cake). My fortieth birthday blew by with barely a notice, from me or my family. I think the last birthday party I've had was when I was 12. I've begun to realize that this sort of bothers me. After all, why NOT have a day to celebrate myself and give others the chance to do so?

This year, in an effort to overcome indifference, I posted a "happy birthday to me" notice on another forum I'm on. I got some cute replies and a couple of suggestions that sparked an idea.

It was suggested that I celebrate with getting birthday SWAKS (yay) and also that I write some poetry. *I* say, these things should be combined -- it'd make a helluva performance art piece, to spout verse while being spanked, eh wot?

*giggles*

HaPpy Me DaY.

connectedness

2008-05-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

Life really likes to point out cycles to me. Days after coming home from Texas and PBF, where I was able to kick up my heels and connect with people to my heart's content, I arrive back and get completely and utterly SICK and end up spending over a week, alone, in bed with nothing to think about but where my life is now. It's been tempting not to think about certain things. Like the fact that I'm turning 42 in a few weeks and am living essentially alone for the first time in over 20 years. While I don't exactly feel unpartnered, it is odd to think of myself as someone who's separated, who sleeps alone every night, and whose sexuality is expressed primarily in the imaginative realm.

I'm not complaining. This was, given circumstances, the right choice for me at this point in my life. I really really like having my own place, my own space, and the feeling of self-determination I get from that. It feels good not to perpetuate a relationship cycle that wasn't making me or my husband particularly happy, and I'm uber proud of myself for having had the courage to break that cycle.

I suppose when I strip my feelings down to the bone, what I'm mostly experiencing on most days is a sense of utter free-fall -- the feeling that I've pulled out all the pins and nothing is really left holding me up anymore, aside from my own belief in the fact that I can flap my ears and fly. I've reached the point where I take absolutely nothing for granted. If someone wants to share sex with me, it's like a miracle, like seeing a deer in the woods and not having it run away. If someone lets me lean on them for a while, I feel so taken care of and grateful. If my kids help me out of a genuine desire to feel useful and empowered, I pretty much burst with pride. The flowers in my garden make me grin (I didn't plant them, they just came up on their own).

Most of all, I feel like I'm transitioning from a sense of "waiting" for my life to happen, into simply "being". This is it, I think on a daily basis. This is what I'm here for, to be someone who is utterly open and connected to the world in an infinite variety of ways. How fascinating that in bringing about what I thought of as a separation, what I really did was shake the kaleidoscope enough to see a whole bunch of connections I'd never noticed before.

I'd like to see a few more fetishists in office

2008-05-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

In case any of you haven't seen the news about Australian Party Leader Troy Buswell getting caught and trounced in the press for SNIFFING a female staff member's chair after she got up, I just wanted to draw your attention to this important news item.

Sure, it's not the most attractive fetish around, but then, not every pony is pretty either and we still love them! I feel really sorry for Mr. Buswell, getting all teary and having to explain to his family (and the entire Australian nation) the innocence of his gesture, which, as all good fetishists know, is completely out of his control anyway -- so may as well enjoy it!

I think that instead of reviling and ridiculing (and gods forbid, prosecuting) fetishists in public office, we should encourage them to flaunt their freak boldly -- brandish their lacy lingerie and waggle their rubber pants proudly as a mark of their individuality and self-acceptance. Can you imagine how much more fun question period would be? "Mr. Speaker, I'd like to ask the Member for West Burnaby where he got those EXCRUCIATING looking nipple clamps he wore in the briefing session this morning -- my son's decided he's a pain slut and he'd die for a pair for his 16th birthday next week!"

Ah yes, but even in Canada, this is still only an idle fantasy -- probably at least four or five years away at best. Still, I predict that one day we'll all look back at pioneering men like Buswell and smile fondly as we go to cast our ballot for our favourite fetish flavour of the month. It'd be sooooo much easier to spot the sado-masochists if they wore their costumes in public, wouldn't it?

going the distance with your relationships: poly workshop notes

2008-04-24T17:00:00.001-07:00

This month I attended Poly Big Fun, a poly camp and workshop event at Bastrop State Park, near Austin, Texas. Since this was my third year attending I decided I really wanted to present a workshop of my own, and what better topic than the reason I was in Texas in the first place? I decided to talk about Long Distance Relationships (LDRs). The workshop went very well, with lots of interesting discussion and some valuable contributions from my boyfriend, with whom I've been in an LDR for two years.

Here are the notes I used; comments and suggestions are more than welcome!

LDR Workshop

Introduction

Everyone has at least ONE long distance relationship with somebody (I'm including family and friends in this). Think for a few moments about what makes this relationship satisfying for you. How do you feel about this person even though they're far away? How do you communicate with them? How do you feel when you see them in person? How do you think they feel about you?

I've had several LDRs (some longer, some shorter) and have made more than a few mistakes. I stay open to LDR because it gives me something of value and suits the way I relate to and learn from other people.

Love, growth, adventure, pushing limits, curiosity and desire for connection other than physical are all factors in why I choose LDR as one relationship style that works for me.

For LDR as for any other relationship, but especially for LDR, I quote the cardinal rule of successful relationships: Know Thyself (or know thyself as well as possible)

What are your relationship expectations? How does ldr change this?

Advantages of LDR

- bigger pool of poly people (or people in general) to date
- opportunity for travel; can meet a totally new social circle comprised of the friends, family and community of your partner
- chance to explore new forms of intimacy and learn new communication skills, learn how to "let go" of attachments within relationship and build trust with your partner
- long-lasting NRE when you do see each other

Disadvantages

- not as much physical contact
- irregular communication
- don't share as many friends, regular activities, culture
- potential for miscommunication increased
- possibility of jealousy/envy of local partners

Practical LDR

Long term or short term? Do you see the relationship as one that will eventually evolve into a local one? Are you going to be in an LDR with a local partner for a fixed period of time? Is your partner established where they are and you don't plan on moving, making it a long term LDR?

Post visit blues & the importance of self love and an active home life: Plan something special or a social activity for the day/week after you get back from a visit, so you have something to look forward to. Plan a "date" with your sweetie by phone or internet for a week after the visit. A date idea could be renting and watching the same movie at the same time and discussing it afterwards. Fill your home life with activities you enjoy, and if your LDR likes them too, you can compare notes later on.

Friends with bennies or partners -- what works best for LDR? Is it easier for you if you stay "just friends" that occasionally have sex when you see each other?

Cycles in LDR are similar to local relationships, but timing will probably be different.

Meeting people, keeping people, poly networking: You can meet online or at poly gatherings, or while traveling. Having a good communication toolbox is important, as are internet and writing skills, and a basic familiarity with technology can help (eg. webcam, making movies for each other). Money for travel is probably going to be important, as is a lifestyle or career that's flexible enough to allow for travel. Good visit planning involves balancing alone time, together time and social time. Plan the important things but try not to have high expectations. Leave some room for spontaneity.

Establishing "home base" is important in LDR. Where do you meet? Do you have your own place on visits or do you have to share a house with OSOs? Do you view your visits as "just a holiday"? Logistical factors and emotional ones can affect the shape of your LDR. It's important to remember that despite what anyone else says, how YOU view your relationship is how your relationship will be. If you think you can be successful there's a good chance you will find a way to have a satisfying LDR.

Establishing patterns and rituals in communication with your LDR can be really helpful (eg. call at regular times, have regular cam sex dates, figure out a visiting schedule). Pay attention to time zones and sleep habits.

Communication & technology

How to communicate long distance depends on WHAT you're communicating. For example, basic information doesn't need to be communicated in person and text such as SMS, IM, emails or even fax or letters are quite effective ways of doing this. I have some creative examples from my own experience regarding letter writing which puts this mode of communication in a special category, but in general text is basically an informational communication technology. On the other hand, any communication that contains an emotional component is best conveyed by means OTHER than basic text. This is because text alone doesn't provide us humans with enough other sensory input to process emotional messages. We are creatures of many senses, not one, so anyone who thinks they can convey feelings through the medium of text alone is either fooling themselves, or else they're a poet laureate.

If you're in an LDR and need to communicate feelings (which of course you will need to do at some point), how do you figure out the best way to do this without creating misunderstanding? The answer, in my experience, is emotional prioritization. This basically means taking a few moments before you blurt out your feelings to your loved one to examine the situation and decide the following:

what is important for my LDR to know NOW
what is important for my LDR to know eventually
what isn't really important for my LDR to know at all; I just feel like venting

Asking yourself the following questions can be of help:

If I express feelings, needs, desires to you while at a distance, how will you interpret them?
Would it be better to hold off expressing certain things until you can be with me physically so as to recieve the reassurance of my touch?
Would seeing my face on cam make it easier or hearing the tone of my voice?

Basically, the MORE sensory input you can give to/get from your partner the more effective the communication will be. In order of effectiveness, from most to least effective ways to communicate emotional content to someone:

1. in person (allows for sight, sound and touch as well as verbal interaction)
2. voice and cam (provides some non-verbal cues)
3. voice alone, or cam with IM (either way provides some opportunity for non-verbal check in -- I happen to prefer voice over cam but other people might prefer visual to auditory cues)
4. IM (verbal interaction only, very easy to misinterpret emotional content or to misrepresent it)

Of course, if you don't realize you're feeling emotional about a particular issue this can get you into trouble. At this point, I suggest frequent check-ins with yourself, and specifically with your body, to determine how you FEEL at any given moment during a communication with a loved one, so that you can decide if what you're saying and how you're saying it is effective. If you don't know how you feel trying to communicate emotionally with someone, especially over distance, is going to result in misunderstanding.

Sex & technology

Cyber, phone and cam sex can be awesome! Learn to be ok with infrequent sex; it really can't be the primary focus of an LDR. Being poly is an advantage here because you can have sex with someone close by, too, if you're so inclined. Engaging in sexual talk while planning visits is exciting; planning "dates" for phone or cam sex is also fun and makes it seem special.

LDR boundaries

This a little bit different from how you might deal with local poly partners, but just as important. How do you view other partners, how do they view you, what kind of communication do you have with them or what kind is necessary? "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" can be easier with an LDR but isn't necessarily better. How does LDR affectother partners? How is it viewed by others? (Do people view your relationship as existing in a "fantasy bubble"?)

Conclusion

LDR can be seen as "icing" on the cake, an enhancement to other, local relationships which in poly gives you lots of options and room to relate to people.

LDR's grow in different ways than local relationships and it's important to realize that not only is every partner a unique person but every relationship has its unique form. Don't try to make an LDR the same as a local relationship; learn to grow and flow with it and enjoy each person for who they are, where they are.

boundaries: what's in my toolbox

2008-04-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

I was recently at a polyamory camp where, along with the opportunity to experience yummy cuddling, flirting and all sorts of eye-candy I also attended some thought-provoking workshops. One in particular that resonated strongly for me was a workshop on boundaries, both personal, individual boundaries and those that apply within relationships -- specifically polyamorous ones.

I've been struggling with boundary issues for some months now, trying to redefine my own limits of acceptable behavior, balanced with my needs, wants, desires... and then there's how to apply this TO an actual relationship. Or relationships, plural. Oy. Anyway, it's been a journey.

What was really neat about the workshop I attended this weekend was that it didn't just consist of a group discussion on why boundaries are so important, why one should state one's needs openly and clearly, why expecting one's partner to read one's mind isn't a good idea, and stuff like that; this workshop actually gave us some tools to help us figure out those boundaries.

One example of a useful tool was a communication exercise. There was one that seemed ridiculously simple when you thought about it, but it's pretty hard to do in practice: basically, taking TURNS listening to your partner's thoughts and feelings on an issue, not interrupting, and when they're done, reviewing for them what you think they meant, then waiting to see how accurate you were. Once you reach a consensus, reverse the roles. It's hard to listen.

Another tool involved breaking down one's own feelings into categories, or rather, a spectrum of responses to any given situation. For example, when presented with a request from your partner you might feel conflicted about your limits and a simple "yes" or "no" doesn't quite cut it. Using a sliding scale of agreement creates an easier and less emotionally loaded way to communicate feelings and limits, and provides an opportunity to revisit issues that one needs to ponder longer.

The cool thing I found about these tools was that they weren't limited to use with a partner. In fact, when I started to think about defining my own boundaries I realized that there were plenty of conflicting voices in my own head and I could greatly benefit from giving each of them a turn to have their say. As a way to organize my own thoughts, the process of stating my feelings, listening to what I had to say, and then redefining was actually pretty useful in attaining greater clarity.

Giving myself permission to deliver a qualified "yes" or "no" was also a revelation. I wonder how many people out there, like me, believe that before we do or say anything we need to be totally clear and completely decided on our choices. I suspect quite a few, since the result of this black and white kind of thinking, when applied to emotional boundaries in particular, tends to create situations where if we no longer feel a choice is a good fit for us, we try to shoehorn ourselves into it anyway because we said we knew what we wanted.

Good communication tools are essential to relationships, and poly relationships in general, and so are tools to help define for ourselves what we really need at any given moment. We need to keep our tools sharp and shiny because the defining of needs and personal limits is an ever-changing process, sparked by interaction with others. Never has it been more clear to me than when contemplating my own boundaries how grateful I am to have other people to reflect the aspects of myself I need to pay attention to. Personal growth can be fun; particularly when you accept that even the element of uncertainty is not a setback but just another tool to help us figure out who we are.

what I do when I'm not doing THAT thing

2008-03-18T13:39:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me recently that many readers of my blog might have the mistaken impression that my life is filled to the brim, overflowing and utterly consumed by thoughts and acts of a sexual nature. While this is an interesting image, and I suppose being human sex is always part of our physical and spiritual being, I want to assure everyone that I'm NOT a sex fiend and in fact have a whole bunch of interests and passions which fill my life with bliss that are not directly related to sex.

A few of them are:

Writing: Duh. That's why I started this blog, and I also write poetry, fiction and all kinds of non-fiction-related things. I'd love to make my living at it someday, but even if I don't, it's still a big part of who I am.

Reading: I'm an English major and I can never read enough. 19th century novels fill my shelves to overflowing, and I'm an avid history buff. I love drama and movies adapted cleverly from fabulous novels. I read most of the day, whether it's from books or on the net.

Knitting: I recently rediscovered a passion for playing with string; my mom taught me when I was little and SHE was a great knitter (now she's shifted her considerable textile talent to quilting and I've been gifted with all her old yarn and needles, yay!). I'm still learning how to knit and crochet, but I love making gifts for my friends. I made these lovely wristwarmers last winter to match my denim shorts.

Music: I sing and play flute and piano, though not as much now as I used to. I still dance in the kitchen while I cook with my ipod stuffed full of tunes that range from Joni Mitchell to Nine Inch Nails, George Jones to Bob Marley and much more...

Food: I'm a foodie. Not as devoted or diligent a foodie as my boyfriend, who is as meticulous in the kitchen as he is sexy, but I can sling together a pretty darn good Thai green curry in a hurry and my dark molasses ginger pear cake is something you'll be wanting seconds of.

Facilitation: I just read Shakti Gawain's book, Living in the Light, and I was struck by her description of herself as an energy junkie -- basically a person who grooves on the energy of a group when it's humming in harmony towards a goal that combines individual talent with a common purpose. I've always loved leading workshops, I can stand in front of a group and improvise and inspire and elicit things that teach me more about myself and the world than I ever knew before.

So that's a bit more about me, and what I like to do and think about when I'm not doing that other really great thing that begins with an "S". I like to think I'm well-rounded. *grin*

fetishlicious

2008-03-11T16:50:00.001-07:00

I attract fetishists. Before you feel sorry for me, let me say that I really like most of the fetishists I've met; they're often very interesting, dedicated and grounded people -- or at least the ones who are happy with themselves and their fetishes are.

I've met a lot of closet fetishists and I usually find that they are lovely, normal men and women who spend far too much time being anxious about their fears of what other people might say. They lose sight of the fact that a sexual fetish is really no different from any other kind of passion -- and it's passion after all gives us the energy and the joy to go on living.

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending a kinky gathering where I met one of the most glowing, blissful, contented fetishists I've ever seen. He radiated pride in every step and his smile drew my eyes away from his bondage gear and enormous erection. It was impossible not to laugh at his passionate self-expression; I gladly shared hugs and jokes with him and came away from my evening feeling that no matter who you are or what turns your crank, the most important thing is to love yourself utterly and wholly for who you are.

And you wonder why I keep wearing high heels and a big smile.

coming-out in abundance

2008-03-05T11:41:00.001-08:00

I've been practicing polyamory for three years now. Before that, I didn't know the word, but the concept has been a part of me for as long as I've been aware of relationships. When my husband and I "discovered" poly and yearned towards it the way a twelve year old girl yearns towards the sensual beauty and freedom of horseback riding, we took things pretty slowly.

We started our journey but we did it carefully and told only a few close friends who we knew would be open-minded (heck, one of them even joined an online poly dating site with us). I figured there would be plenty of time to tell my family after I got my poly feet on the ground, so I started dating, and Sikander started dating, and three years went by. I explored my bisexuality and suddenly felt like a whole person for the first time since I was a kid. We cut our teeth and broke our hearts and discovered that poly, like anything else in life, is complicated, glorious, and above all a multifaceted mirror in which we can either see ourselves reflected in ways we'd never before imagined.

I've spent three years learning more about myself than I have in the last ten, but there's been something missing until recently -- I still felt closeted. So I decided, after talking to a dear poly friend of mine, to tell my family who it is that I've discovered inside this skin of mine -- the good, the bi, and the poly. I wrote a long letter, and I bought a book to send them, so they could read more than just what *I* had to say. I mailed it off and felt numb -- what if they hated the idea? I'm 41 -- old enough to do what I please and old enough to know I'll never stop needing the ones I love. I was scared.

It turned out so well I thought my heart would break from gratitude to the universe for showing me that love is available to me if I'm open to it, and that risk is absolutely necessary to life.

Tonight I talked to my parents on the phone for a couple of hours. We mostly talked about poly, and my choices, and their feelings. They expressed interest, support, and unswerving love for me, as well as gladness at how happy I'm sounding.

I cannot begin to express how warm, loved, and grounded I feel because of their unconditional acceptance. I am, to be honest, a bit dumbfounded. I'm also a true and fervent believer in the concept of "no risk, no gain".

This is what it feels like, for one perfect moment, to feel utterly whole. I could be completely alone for the rest of my life and still feel this profound unity. It makes me want to stretch out my acceptance to everyone who's ever risked all and lost much, to offer love because I'm truly rich in everything I could ever need. Never have I been more sure of being poly than when I see how, with no hesitation, my family upholds the very basic ideal of my life: there is ALWAYS enough love for everyone.

real porn

2008-02-26T10:40:00.001-08:00

Ah the joys of homemade porn! It's all the rage right now, audio-visual technology being what it is, but still, there's porn and then there's mmm... porn!

I spent most of yesterday evening unloading three dozen homemade videos off my hard drive onto dvd's (nah, I don't sell them, I just have very visually oriented lovers who inspire me to acts of technological and gymnastic creativity) and after about the tenth featurette of my own flesh in various states of lighting, tumescence and undress, I started to look at this not as ME but as an interesting exercise in fleshly contours, art and self love. I admired the way the light played off the lube snaking down a thigh, or the giggly upside-down grin after an especially yogic pose. I also found myself fascinated with the puckers and folds and scars that live alongside cute moles, sexy toes and the hot tattoo on my right calf.

Since many of my videos have been made while I'm completely alone with only minimal equipment, a lot of what makes them special is the parts of me that go into them: the braids I decided to wear at the last minute to go with Lolita gym socks, or a mod hat and plaid skirt, or just a sexy running dialogue with my imagined lover. When I was 25 and still fairly inexperienced in the world of erotica I'd never have imagined doing anything like this with a partner, let alone filming it! And damn, I'm kind of proud of me, 'cause it really is hot... in fact, after watching several hours of my own body strutting its stuff in all its glorious, creative imperfection -- I'd definitely wanna do me.

hearts, flowers and connectivity

2008-02-13T22:10:00.000-08:00

What creates connection? Is it physical proximity, desire, language? Are we are already inherently connected, or do we exist as separate entities, unknowable except in pieces and moments? How does our unique experience of relationships affect our perception of connection, and our need?

I believe connection is easy, and we avoid it out of fear, as a finger avoids an open flame. The pain of being open to others is like no other crucible I know, but the pain of closing off is far greater, stifling love and growth by murdering potential.

In studying tantric theory I've learned that the process of opening is a gradual one. One does not leap into the flames unprepared, or immolation ensues. As we mount the ladder to more open connection with the divine in each other, we take each rung in its place. To mount above the lower rungs -- past fear, past sex -- requires courage, heart and clarity. No one has these instantly; compassion is essential.

I expect mastery from no one, but compassion, cultivated like a garden in the heart, will draw me to the fiercest flame and hold me there.

creativity fueled with passion juice

2008-02-05T17:53:00.000-08:00

I have found myself, rather to my surprise, dealing with circumstantial celibacy. To be more blunt -- I don't have any sex partners living nearby at the moment, and being a fairly lusty lady, it's been an interesting struggle to reconcile my tremendous desire to sexually connect while dealing with the lack of immediate opportunity.

I'm no stranger to sexual dry spells; in fact, I went through a very long one some years ago along with my husband. Stress and lack of connectivity with my own body made for a low libido, and I'm joyfully grateful that I woke up, discovered a veritable geyser of sexual appetite, and had the good fortune to celebrate this with more than one partner. (Yay, polyamory!)

So now that life circumstances have dictated my pulling back and taking a breather from all that sex, where does that leave my libido, my desire, my ENERGY? The last thing I want to do is lose the wonderful creative forces I've tapped into in the process of unleashing my orgasms -- how on earth to maintain the momentum on my own?

For me, sexuality is deeply connected to my spiritual nature, so as I pondered this question I decided to google "sex and buddhism" and see what the experts in non-attachment had to say. What I found was this:

It is precisely because our present life is so inseparably linked with desire that we must make use of desire's tremendous energy if we wish to transform our life into something transcendental. --Introduction to Tantra

Oh my, I thought, this is exactly what I believe in -- it's precisely what I'm trying to tap into -- how do I do it? How can I use my passion to fuel my spirit and feed my soul as well as my body?

I thought about this quite a lot. While I thought, I spent some time feeling lonely, and envious of my partners and friends far away who all seemed to be having bouncy, juicy sex while I sat home alone, with my dildo collection. I spent quite a bit of time masturbating, breathing, meditating and trying to feel the energy of my own sexuality infusing me with inevitable joy. I talked to my partners, who sympathized but who could do nothing from thousands of miles away. I briefly considered giving up on sex and concentrating on yoga, writing, knitting -- anything -- to sublimate my desires and take my mind of my cunt, but that seemed a sad solution and anyway I'd been there, done that, and it wasn't anyplace fun. What I needed, I thought, was inspiration.

I found it, of course, right where I'd left it -- in my mind, my heart and my ability to connect to others in so many sensual ways... through my writing, for example, or a spontaneous phonecall that left me shivering with possibilities for the future. I went back over my old erotica and thought, hey, this is really good! I started revising, stopping frequently for self-love breaks and more inspiration.

A new friend sent me an erotic poem he wrote and I shared some of mine with him, along with a few choice photographs I'd taken in another moment of aloneness and creativity. I found a sensual book about food and spirit and after reading it I realized I wanted to make the best, gooiest homemade pizza ever -- it was awesome.

Finally, I went to bed that night not with a feeling of loneliness but with anticipation, and hugging myself -- feeling the curves of my yoga-toned ass as I slowly evoked a new fantasy and lovingly brought my senses alive -- I sank into the warm embrace of a Universe that loves me and all the energy I bring to each moment of my sensual life.

domme energy, or, why I don't want to do just any kind of phone sex...

2008-02-01T15:08:00.000-08:00

I've been rethinking doing phone sex work with a company that called me. At first when I started hesitating I figured it was nerves, and I should probably just do it and get over it. The niggling doubts didn't go away, however -- in fact they got worse so that I actually started to feel a little ill and even disempowered by the thought of doing this job. What the heck's going on here? I asked myself? This is weird...

Ok, I thought, it's NOT the sex, it's NOT the kink, it's NOT strangers or the phone, and it's definitely not the money! I'm ok with all those things and in fact was really looking forward to them. I've spent a lot of time having cyber/skype sex with strangers and I've spent even more time selling stuff on the phone, so what was bothering me about this job?

Finally I figured it out; it's really simple but one of those things that you don't recognize even though it's staring you in the eyes. It finally dawned: I'm not comfortable domming people in the way that's required for this particular job.

The owner, who interviewed me, specifically asked me if I could be more "cruel". Now, I know what "cruel" in the context of bdsm play means and it's not the same as "real" cruelty, but... it's also not, I think, really my style of domming, or at least not anymore.

Over the last two years I've been exploring my submissive side. In doing this, I've veered away from my dominant side and then back again, but with a difference. I now have a greater desire to look after the psychic well-being of myself and my partners in any sexual interaction, kink included. I suppose I'm leaning more and more towards a tantric viewpoint -- energetically I don't see any reason why bdsm can't be incorporated into this, but I feel like I'm yearning towards integrating this with MUCH more awareness than most people bring to this interaction.

Now, I'm not saying I won't do phone sex or any pro-domming at all; in fact I think I'd be very good at it under certain circumstances, but I also think that working for someone else, under their guidelines about what is and isn't acceptable energetically in an exchange, isn't really for me right now. I guess I thought I should try working for someone else because I was "new" at this and needed guidance, but in fact I realize now that in this arena I need to trust myself completely to do what feels right and not look to anyone else for guidance but me. The interactions I've had with lovers and strangers thus far have been very genuine and healing AND kinky, and I'd like to continue in that vein, push more boundaries for myself, and continue on the highest path possible. Anything else is a compromise, and compromise is no longer an option for me.

I also have nothing bad to say about this particular company and in fact have every reason to believe they'd be great to work for if it were exactly the kind of work I want to do, and it ALMOST is, but... not quite.

So, I think I'll pass on this particular job and instead work on creating one for myself that incorporates MY values, MY kinks, my own special brand of kinky sexual healing energy. My body and heart is telling me that I should enjoy my kinky side and radiate love while I do it. Ahh, balance...