How do we define and describe polyamory to those who don't know about or understand what it is? Is there a simple way to explain the diverse practices and reasons behind why someone would choose to engage in ethical multi-partnered relationships as opposed to single-partnered ones? Actually, yes there is -- once we figure out what part of that definition is an explanation and what part is a value judgment.
Recently, I've been pondering the sometimes overt, sometimes insidious, division of opinion between the polyamorous folks who prefer to downplay sexuality and emphasize traditional family values and those who seek to explore and incorporate more alternative sexual practices as part of their poly philosophy. Neither of these positions is, I should emphasize, "wrong" or "bad" and despite the provocative title of this blog post, I feel that there is plenty of room in the poly spectrum for both viewpoints (and many in between).
However, when it comes to explaining what polyamory IS to those who have no idea what it might encompass, it becomes difficult to decide what part of the poly community to emphasize. My solution would be to emphasize neither, and to simply define "polyamory" as a basic practice which can be personally applied and negotiated in a wide variety of ways depending on the individuals involved.
For example, many of us are polyamorous *because of* (rather than in spite of) the fact that we enjoy alternative, sex positive activities (like BDSM, swinging, etc.) By "whitewashing" polyamory in the eyes of the public (the popular slogan: "it's not about the sex" comes to mind) we run the risk of alienating or forcing underground a large segment of the (perfectly ethical) poly population. I'd personally rather begin by introducing polyamory to the general public as the ethical practice of being in more than one loving, intimate relationship with consenting adults and leave it at that, and to resist attaching any kind of values or judgments to the basic term "polyamory", which can and does encompass a very diverse range of relationship styles. Values such as fidelity, sexual freedom, family-centered-ness, etc. are only applicable to the way *some* poly people choose to live.
It's complicated to do this, I agree, but oversimplifying the actual practice of polyamory is, I think, ultimately a detrimental tack to take in terms of educating the general public. Simplification should exist in terms of definition of terms themselves, which should be precise and succinct, rather than of "acceptable practices" because the danger in this, of course, is who gets to determine what is acceptable and what is not?
2 comments:
I was JUSt tackling this a few weeks ago. http://speaksexy.org/2011/08/is-manogamy-on-life-support/ & http://speaksexy.org/2011/08/hit-the-floor-all-you-poly-people/
I see the logic in whitewashing a poly definition to the layman. What with the success of HBO's "Big Love" and TLC's "Sisterwives" the public sure-as-heck knows a little more about non-traditional family structures. But for most mainstream swimmers if there's too much left to the imagination the negative options commonly fill the gaps. I would much rather drown them in possible scenarios that I'm aware of within the poly community then leave it open to their often less-thoughtful reflexive judgement. Good points. Thanks for posting. (still scratching my head on this one too)
Succinct yet eloquent Kiki, traits I admire! I actually haven't had many opportunities to explain polyamory, since most of the people I hang out with are much more experienced at it than I am.
I wish more of them would step back a few paces from the plethora of definitions and opinion about the practice of polyamory, and just keep it that simple!
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