why I do poly

It's easy to overlook the simple things.  It's also easy to get caught up in labels..  queer, kinky, poly:  in the end, it  doesn't really mean anything unless you're actually aware of what you're doing and the reasons why you're doing it.  Sometimes I think it would be more accurate to label my actions rather than labeling myself.

My Poly 101 group met last night to discuss the most basic topic of all:  Why are you polyamorous?   I chose to skip going to the discussion (I had a guest facilitator fill in) because I felt in need of some cuddle time and personal attention from a friend.  Having just experienced a rather disappointing end to what I felt was a promising relationship, my heart's been in need of some solace, and I've been trying to be kind to myself and create the space I need to breathe, reevaluate my needs, and to heal -- and most of all, to figure out who I am.  Why am I putting myself through this, I wonder, when it would be easier just to be on my own?

As I sat with my friend I realized two things:  the first was that while I was enjoying his physical presence (he's terribly cute and we've been playfully sexual on one other occasion) I was also feeling more pleasure in containing my feelings within the boundaries of a quiet cuddle.  This was sort of a big deal to me because sex is often a way I find comfort and connection.  The second thing was that my needs for relating to other people are far more complex and varied than I ever imagined.  How could one person possibly fulfill my longings for acceptance, love, sex, independence, fun, friendship, nurturing, camaradarie and even constructive criticism?

I'm not thrilled that my heart is hurting, but I am awed and grateful to witness how such a wild variety of sustenance flows towards the space left by my letting go of something I thought I "needed".  There is no one thing that will feed me forever, and, with this realization came the surety that there is no one thing that I am.  I am constantly thrilled, however, with trying to relate authentically and fully to those around me.  I love being me, doing poly.