creativity fueled with passion juice

I have found myself, rather to my surprise, dealing with circumstantial celibacy. To be more blunt -- I don't have any sex partners living nearby at the moment, and being a fairly lusty lady, it's been an interesting struggle to reconcile my tremendous desire to sexually connect while dealing with the lack of immediate opportunity.

I'm no stranger to sexual dry spells; in fact, I went through a very long one some years ago along with my husband. Stress and lack of connectivity with my own body made for a low libido, and I'm joyfully grateful that I woke up, discovered a veritable geyser of sexual appetite, and had the good fortune to celebrate this with more than one partner. (Yay, polyamory!)

So now that life circumstances have dictated my pulling back and taking a breather from all that sex, where does that leave my libido, my desire, my ENERGY? The last thing I want to do is lose the wonderful creative forces I've tapped into in the process of unleashing my orgasms -- how on earth to maintain the momentum on my own?

For me, sexuality is deeply connected to my spiritual nature, so as I pondered this question I decided to google "sex and buddhism" and see what the experts in non-attachment had to say. What I found was this:

It is precisely because our present life is so inseparably linked with desire that we must make use of desire's tremendous energy if we wish to transform our life into something transcendental. --Introduction to Tantra

Oh my, I thought, this is exactly what I believe in -- it's precisely what I'm trying to tap into -- how do I do it? How can I use my passion to fuel my spirit and feed my soul as well as my body?

I thought about this quite a lot. While I thought, I spent some time feeling lonely, and envious of my partners and friends far away who all seemed to be having bouncy, juicy sex while I sat home alone, with my dildo collection. I spent quite a bit of time masturbating, breathing, meditating and trying to feel the energy of my own sexuality infusing me with inevitable joy. I talked to my partners, who sympathized but who could do nothing from thousands of miles away. I briefly considered giving up on sex and concentrating on yoga, writing, knitting -- anything -- to sublimate my desires and take my mind of my cunt, but that seemed a sad solution and anyway I'd been there, done that, and it wasn't anyplace fun. What I needed, I thought, was inspiration.

I found it, of course, right where I'd left it -- in my mind, my heart and my ability to connect to others in so many sensual ways... through my writing, for example, or a spontaneous phonecall that left me shivering with possibilities for the future. I went back over my old erotica and thought, hey, this is really good! I started revising, stopping frequently for self-love breaks and more inspiration.

A new friend sent me an erotic poem he wrote and I shared some of mine with him, along with a few choice photographs I'd taken in another moment of aloneness and creativity. I found a sensual book about food and spirit and after reading it I realized I wanted to make the best, gooiest homemade pizza ever -- it was awesome.

Finally, I went to bed that night not with a feeling of loneliness but with anticipation, and hugging myself -- feeling the curves of my yoga-toned ass as I slowly evoked a new fantasy and lovingly brought my senses alive -- I sank into the warm embrace of a Universe that loves me and all the energy I bring to each moment of my sensual life.