some amazing sex + events are happening in my communty...

whasslutmean2u?

Being a writer/librarian, I thought it might be fun to find out how we define the word slut, both in our culture and to ourselves. To start us out, here is the oldest definition I could find in three minutes online (I’m a lazy slut, I admit):

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slut

c.1400, “a dirty, slovenly, or untidy woman,” probably cognate with dialectal Ger. Schlutt “slovenly woman,” dialectal Swed. slata “idle woman, slut,” and Du. slodder “slut,” but the ultimate origin is doubtful. Chaucer uses sluttish (late 14c.) in reference to the appearance of an untidy man. Also “a

kitchen maid, a drudge” (mid-15c.; hard pieces in a bread loaf from imperfect kneading were called ’ slut’s pennies , 18c.). Meaning “woman of loose character, bold hussy” is attested from mid-15c.; playful use of the word, without implication of loose morals, is attested from 1660s.

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I like that the original meanings of slut included both the concept of dirty-ness (mm.. getting dirty!) and that it was also used playfully. It’s interesting that only later did the idea of sexuality get added to the concept of dirty. That sort of says something about our culture, I think, and how activities that are neutral or even fun get twisted by the moral majority to become something shameful (sort of like how “gay” originally meant pretty and happy, then it was something to be ashamed of, and now it’s embraced as a vibrant sexual identity).

To me, “slut” brings to mind the image of a woman or man who isn’t afraid to “get their hands dirty” and dive into something enthusiastically and playfully even if other people are being fastidious and picky about it. Sexual enthusiasm, lusty disregard for the opinions of others, and a healthy sense of fun. Yep, I like that!

What about the you? How does “slut” work in your vocabulary?

Jealousy Deconstructed: a workshop from The Bliss Factory

Here's a video clip from my workshop "Jealousy Deconstructed" (The Bliss Factory, 2011).

Enjoy more videos from The Bliss Factory on Youtube.

The Bliss Factory: New workshops for Fall 2011

My new poly, open and sex positive relationship workshops are up for Fall 2011!  Those in or near Victoria, BC, please visit my page and register now.  Topics include Jealousy, Boundaries and Negotiations, Eroticizing Safer Sex and Threesomes for Couples!

The Bliss Factory

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good poly/bad poly -- but how do we define poly?

How do we define and describe polyamory to those who don't know about or understand what it is?  Is there a simple way to explain the diverse practices and reasons behind why someone would choose to engage in ethical multi-partnered relationships as opposed to single-partnered ones?  Actually, yes there is -- once we figure out what part of that definition is an explanation and what part is a value judgment.

Recently, I've been pondering the sometimes overt, sometimes insidious, division of opinion between the polyamorous folks who prefer to downplay sexuality and emphasize traditional family values and those who seek to explore and incorporate more alternative sexual practices as part of their poly philosophy.  Neither of these positions is, I should emphasize, "wrong" or "bad" and despite the provocative title of this blog post, I feel that there is plenty of room in the poly spectrum for both viewpoints (and many in between).

However, when it comes to explaining what polyamory IS to those who have no idea what it might encompass, it becomes difficult to decide what part of the poly community to emphasize.  My solution would be to emphasize neither, and to simply define "polyamory" as a basic practice which can be personally applied and negotiated in a wide variety of ways depending on the individuals involved.

For example, many of us are polyamorous *because of* (rather than in spite of) the fact that we enjoy alternative, sex positive activities (like BDSM, swinging, etc.)  By "whitewashing" polyamory in the eyes of the public (the popular slogan:  "it's not about the sex" comes to mind) we run the risk of alienating or forcing underground a large segment of the (perfectly ethical) poly population.  I'd personally rather begin by introducing polyamory to the general public as the ethical practice of being in more than one loving, intimate relationship with consenting adults and leave it at that, and to resist attaching any kind of  values or judgments to the basic term "polyamory", which can and does encompass a very diverse range of relationship styles.  Values such as fidelity, sexual freedom, family-centered-ness, etc. are only applicable to the way *some* poly people choose to live.

It's complicated to do this, I agree, but oversimplifying the actual practice of polyamory is, I think, ultimately a detrimental tack to take in terms of educating the general public.  Simplification should exist in terms of definition of terms themselves, which should be precise and succinct, rather than of "acceptable practices" because the danger in this, of course, is who gets to determine what is acceptable and what is not?

why I shaved my head

Why not? Ok, well there are actually a few more reasons..


The first one is that I'm a curious person, and while curiosity may have killed the cat, it also resulted in some interesting experiences. I've always wondered what I'd look like bald -- now I know!


The second is that my partner (the one who wielded the clippers) has a thing for bald chicks. I like making people happy, especially ones I love. It was also amazing having my head lovingly wrapped in hot towels, lathered, and tended to for a couple of hours. Mm.


The last reason is more of a personal one -- maybe even spiritual. I've always admired the open, beaming faces of women with no hair. Maybe it's because I'm a Buddhist, but I can't think of anything more freeing than shaking off attachment to a piece of myself that I not only don't actually need (hey, I can knit hats) but that costs me rather a lot of money to maintain to the standards that are deemed acceptable by my appearance-obsessed culture.


I was walking downtown yesterday, feeling serene and breezy and laughing a little at the averted eyes of strangers (or the stares of children). I walked by no less than four pricey hair salons and positively beamed in the window. I also grinned at the lady in the bead shop who insisted on informing me that they were looking for lotus seeds for customers who wanted to make their own malas.  I must've looked *really* serene!


Above all, I enjoyed connecting eyes and smiles with those who understood that beauty comes from being happy with oneself, rather than what products you apply to your body. I'm thrilled to have claimed a little piece of freedom.

Is Polyamory the New Gay? Hm, not really..

Polyamory has been making headlines in the Canadian media for the last year, due to BC Supreme Court's polygamy law trial (you can read more about this on the CPAA website at polyadvocacy.ca). One of the catchphrases that came out of the Vancouver media was "Poly is the New Gay" and I've been pondering the validity of this assertion.

On one hand, polyamory is about relationships that are an alternative to the Western cultural norm. There are many queer-identified folks who embrace polyamory, myself being one of them. Finally, poly is also a form of social revolution which flows out of readjusting our views on what intimacy, love and partnerships can and should look like.

On the other hand, not everyone who is poly is gay. Additionally, polyamorists have not experienced, as a community, the same kind of prejudice and oppression that visible members of the gay community encountered (and still encounter with dismaying regularity) in North America and throughout the world.

I'm uneasy about co-opting labels from one movement to promote another, unless it's an accurate fit. I tend to feel that polyamory is a sister-movement to that of the gay rights movement, rather than some kind of "newer version". Indeed, as a bisexual, poly activist I see the achievements of the gay rights movement as building blocks which have been instrumental in paving the way for acceptance of diverse relationship choices. Rather than being the New Gay, I feel polyamory can be seen as a widening of the palette of personal freedoms in our society. Not a replacement, then, but an addition.

catalysts need love, toooo..

I seem to be a poly catalyst.  You know, the girl who sparks the poly flame -- the one who suggests the threesome, or gives that extra nudge towards that hot date you've been wanting to hook up with.

I love my job, don't get me wrong.  Just remember that, unlike my chemical brethren, I'm still here at the end of the ignition process, more or less intact.  Hugs, thanks and fond acknowledgment are infinitely appreciated.   :)

Photo credit:  Ivo

why I believe polyamory is a choice

This is simple, really. I believe we choose ALL of our actions. Note that I am not saying we choose our feelings.. sometimes feelings arise quickly and unexpectedly within us before we can even identify them. 

We can and do choose to modify our feelings. Sometimes this is good, like when we allow ourselves to be calm and examine a fearful or jealous emotion to find out where it's coming from. Sometimes our modification is not so good, like when we suppress a feeling and it bubbles up and out of us in ways that are hurtful.

Just as we can choose to modify our feelings, so can we choose to modify our relationships -- in essence, to modify our responses to other people. We can feel love for more than one person, but choose not to act on this for a variety of reasons. We can also feel love for ONLY one person but decide to open our relationship to other people we care about because it makes everyone happier to share intimacy.

When someone says to me: "Oh, I'm polyamorous because I'm wired that way," I smile to myself, because I know that no one can ever foresee the future circumstances of their life, in which monogamy may in fact become desirable. 

Personally, I'd rather be with a person who has made a clear and conscious choice to be poly, because that means they've weighed the options, consulted their feelings (and those of others) and decided to take responsibility for that choice. 

Yep, I'm a fan of nurture over nature when it comes to polyamory -- particularly the process of self-nurture.

moment to breathe

When things become too confusing,
and many voices compete
more and more I am reaching for the simplest way.

I pour tea, nap, and eat vegetables
go outside and walk, or sit on the ground
speak little, and go to bed alone.

Eventually,
things become clearer
and lighter.

some thoughts on triggers and little fears

My mind that creates wondrous love also creates fantastic fears, with triggers like lures that dangle deceptively, distracting from the line that tethers me to the Great Fear, residing in my depths: abandonment, loss and death. All other "fears" are as nothing compared to these, and all of these must and will be faced in my lifetime. What, then, is the point in being anxious over small fears, and why should I not fill myself up with love while I still can?

slow self movement

All my life I've been blessed (cursed?) with the ability to do things a bit more quickly than others.   More and more, it's getting me into trouble with myself -- creating anxiety over the need to do more and more things, or worrying about whether I've done a good job of something that I did quickly.

I'll be 45 in a few days, and I think it's time for me to slow down.  Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.  I know I can do it if I try..

I'd like to wake up and not jump right out of bed in the morning, but linger to breathe and enjoy re-integrating into my body after dreamtime.  I'd like to have meals and taste every bite and sip.  I's like to spend time with the people who really matter to me, listen to their words and share thoughts with them in a way that *shows* them how much they matter.  I'd like to make love with attentiveness and savouring.  I want to inhabit my time rather than skim over it like an uninteresting highway to an unknown but anticipated destination.  We all know what the destination really is; I can wait a bit longer to get there.